Love & Relationships: My life is a meme

Dating, Love, Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women


“The heart knows when the search is over”

After living in a world of what can only be described as a bitter cocktail of loneliness and heartbreak for what seemed like forever, I found him. The one who has set my soul on fire, the one who my heart saw and went “oh, there you are, where the hell have you been?!”. The universe finally thought it was the right time for me to live all my favorite memes, all at once.


I saw him from across the room and that was it. I was done. I could not stop looking at him. My eyes seemed to follow his every move. I realized I was doing this but I didn’t care if he thought I was being weird, I was 100% comfortable with being weird. I waited for this moment forever and me being weird was not going to get in the way.
He eventually came over, I’m sure I smiled and told him my name. I touched his beard and I was done. I was done. This is my person, standing right in front of me.
A simple hello seemed to have done the trick. He took my number, we shared a conversation, some laughs and a few smiles. We went on our merry way, he went home and so did I.


Not even twenty four hours had passed before I got a text. And will you believe…I was done again. What the fuck is happening? I was excited. Happy to hear from him. Happy that he wanted to hear from me too. I couldn’t be anymore done than I already was, but, I was. I was done.
It felt like I was living a meme “sometimes home is a heartbeat” and “you can be homesick for a person too”, the entertainment factor was so high, I was loving it.
And now, as if time has stood still yet moved so quickly, I get to look into his eyes. And he gets to look at me, like I’m the only person in the room. We’ve done this since that first night.5683a54799fdd8ca0b64faad244cf9b5We speak as though we have known each for years…not in this lifetime of course, because I only met this man a few weeks ago, but we’re both convinced that we’ve known each other in lifetimes before.
We never kissed the night we met, but that’s okay, because he kisses me now, he kisses me all the time.

Fancy Meeting Someone For The First Time Quotes quote his beloved
He listens to me. Pays attention to every word I say. Finally, someone who hears even the things I don’t say. And his voice; oh my God…his voice is like music to my ears and I would do absolutely anything to hear it, every single day.


I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now because I must have done something right in my life to be given everything I have ever asked for. Literally, every single thing I have ever asked for…even the things I thought were most frivolous at best and most likely put in place to make it so impossible so I could never get hurt or disappointed again. But here he is.


So, here I sit, replaying the countless memes and quotes I have recited over the years and laughed at the ridiculousness thereof: “one day someone will come along and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else” or “your soul mate will be the stranger you recognize” …but I’m living a meme right now…because if I ever thought things were meant to be before, and you best believe my dumb ass thought that countless times before; I couldn’t have been more was wrong, because no one has ever, nor could nor will they ever compare to this one.


***And guess what, he feels exactly the same way…4fdf25200e1a18c4ab4e9c511180ead8



Love & Relationships; Space & Time

Dating, Love, Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women


Sometimes I have to re read my words, the words that my heart spoke during a very difficult time in my life. I re read them to remember how far I have come and to remind myself to never ever go back there.

I remember so much sadness. I wish I could forget that feeling. The emptiness, the despair.

I remember how lost I was and I remember the things I did to try and find my way back to myself again. It seemed in vain. But I tried.

The things I did to make myself “feel” better when in actual fact I couldn’t feel anything at all. But I tried.

I remember hoping & praying that one day I would be able to be okay again, myself again. I remember hoping & praying to heal, so that one day when he comes along I can be whole and happy and not allow my past to hurt my present. My gift, the gift i hoped for. A feeling out of the brokenness.

Sometimes I forget to remember, those are the days I smile. Laugh. The days I forget to remember, those are the best ones.

I never used to laugh much, but I remember being happy; but I also never used to cry as much as I did. I remember each tear, like a lover lost; fading the further it went.

I liked laughing. It was better that crying. I found my laughter again, and it’s been a while since I cried, until a few nights ago, until he made me cry again. The one that gave me that feeling. The one I hoped for. He made me cry.

Crying because I couldn’t understand how you could say to someone “I think we need space” when space is all we ever had? So callously. So carefree. So inconsiderate.

And no matter how many times I tried to close that space, he found equal and more powerful ways of reinstating it. Again, I tried.

How do you tell someone “I think we need space” when that is all you have ever given them, because you knew they needed it, and they needed time; time to understand that not all women are the same, time to understand that maybe I won’t do what she did, time to understand that it could be different. Time to heal the same hurts I have. I tried. He never did. And seemingly never will.

He doesn’t get to say that. Space and time was all I ever gave him because I thought that’s what he needed.

Until it became clear that that was what he wanted.




Single & Frustrated: Qualifying criteria to be the last one standing…

Dating, Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

It’s actually not that difficult, I just make it that way. I mean fuck, if that fuck nut of an ex who still causes me so much turmoil can find someone to put up with his lying, drug addicted, violent, cheating, manipulative, psychopathic ass…then surely I can too.

I just really need someone who will happily pour me wine and watch series with me…and then maybe get something to eat and have sex…the food is optional.

Oh, and you can’t watch series with other girls if you’re watching series with me *and by watch series I mean have sex* …so don’t even try to fuck boy your way into a bread buttering competition…because you can only have it on one side, and that one side is my buns, not her korsie and if you try it any other way you will lose.

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I’m not fussy but just so we have clarity, let’s get started:

  1. You must be single, single single single and you need to be able to tell me you why you are single. Having your heart broken once is a valid reason and I understand, but don’t hou duk with that excuse because even I know a broken heart can heal…eventually.
  1. You need to have the capacity to grow a beard, you do not necessarily have to have one when we meet, but the potential for growth…as with many things in life…needs to be there.
  1. You cannot be thinner than me and I’m not thin…
  1. You cannot be shorter than me and I’m 1.7…
  1. Being big & tall is great, but everything needs to be in proportion…especially our friend down there.
  1. I have enough boobs for the both of us, you don’t need to have them too #moobsmustfall
  1. You need to be a man man. Not a boy. Not a pansy. Not a”I’m too good to change my own tyre, I’ll pay someone to do it” or “this shirt was  expensive we can’t jump in the pool right now”
    Men make fires, pay their own bills, respect their woman, loves their parents, races cars, owns power tools and can screw anything into any hole.
    Boys quit their jobs and dream of becoming hip hop artists, yes, I know the SABC now says 90% local music so your chances are a lot higher these days…great, for you.
  1. I love old people, but I generally prefer them within the range of either 10 years my senior or 1 year my junior…don’t even try, just don’t.
  1. You need to be aware of your health, I can’t have sex with you and all of the sudden you get a heart attack, dead is not cool. Being alive under a dead person, even less cool.
  1. You must have a hobby, if it’s a sport, great…Fantasy League football does NOT count…you just need to be passionate about something other than me J
  1. Please don’t make me go hiking. If I do, then you must know I really enjoy having sex with you to put up with that hiking up mountains bullshit.
  2. Being clever is cute and I like it…be qualified in something, have a degree, educate yourself.
  1. Please do not ever wear crocs FFS or sloffies that make your toes hang over…just no.
  1. Please be able to cook, or at least fry bacon and eggs…I can deal with bacon and eggs for the rest of my life, I REALLY CAN
  1. I drink a lot of wine, you need to deal and you need to be willing to come wine drinking with me *I drink , I don’t taste, so it’s never wine tasting, ever*
  1. I like going away to new places…I go away often so you need to be proactive and book shit and make plans. And if you don’t then all you ever need to say when I make plans is “yes baby, I’m in” even if it’s the kakkest idea you ever heard.
  1. 30 seconds, dominoes and poker is a must…we need to be able to keep ourselves entertained when we are not having sex.
  1. You must be a good kisser because you can’t walk around slapping your dick in my face all day
  1. You must have good sense of humour and you must be able to make me laugh…I laugh at anything really, I’m totally easy…to please….with jokes *whispering* “and a penis…”
  1. You must have a Facebook account. Like it or not we will be Facebook official…my friends have been waiting for my “one” longer than I have and this is non-negotiable…for their sake obviously, not mine, I don’t need the external validation from random strangers nor do i desire the gratification of everyone seeing how ridiculously happy i am and how ridiculously much sex I am having…you know.

Oh, and don’t do drugs and don’t be a violent psychotic hypocrite who likes to fuck around and tell lies.
Oh, and if you read this post and felt intimidated, cringed or thought “wow she’s so un-politically correct and rude”… you are not qualified and you need to fuck off.

Great, good luck.

May the odds be ever in your favour!

Sex & Relationships: The ultimate act of surrender S.01 The Finale

Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

Patience is a virtue. My body is aching. My memory is intact. I am happy.”

wordpress_thearchitectI was happy at the idea of a next one, of a new relationship at some point, I was happy and very okay with moving on. The Architect had been popping up in a number of my blogs and truth be told, this will most likely be the last.

After taking us a year to gather up the courage, albeit Dutch courage, to kiss each other…it would appear whatever was happening between the two of us has finally ended. But when I see him, when we’re at a place together, it’s like we can’t keep our eyes off each other. I catch him staring at me; and the only reason I see it is because I’m staring at him too…from across the bar, the dance floor, the room, wherever he is…that’s where my eyes are. I manage to crack a smile and then I don’t know what to do, so I look away, I turn away and I walk away. As I walk away I look into the face of his ex-girlfriend who always seems to find her fucking way to events he will be at and I can’t help but think that she is it. She is the reason. The reason I will never be given, the reason for his elusiveness and lack of comprehension.

I’m just too old to be playing these games man, I’ve told him before “I like you, and I know you like me…and I think we like each other enough to give this one more try”…my honesty seemed in vain, and it’s not something I do often…be honest about my feelings. But with him I was. But with him it never worked. And so this time with him the surrender is going to be somewhat different, it is not giving in to a desire, but giving up on one. Him. I’m giving up on him. I’ve decided this many times before though yet each time something makes me change my time…like the way he calls me “woman!” gets me every time.  But it eventually all comes back to this, an inevitable ending, an inevitable ending without a reason.

It’s ironic though, him being an Architect. In a sense I needed someone to re-design me and build me up from the nothing that was left behind…he doesn’t even know that he’s done this, I wasn’t even aware that he was doing this. When I surrendered to him, that first time, he made me not want it from anyone else because he made me remember what it’s supposed to feel like. How I felt with him. How he behaved when he was with me. And nothing’s been the same since, nothing else has come close. No one else.

He will never know any of this, he will never know the impact he has made on my life. I will never tell him. Honesty doesn’t seem to work with him…and honestly, I don’t think he deserves to know. He doesn’t deserve a lot of my feelings. In hindsight. He never did. As I write this I feel bursts of anger at his cavalier attitude toward me, our situation, has he not being paying attention? Surely he cannot be that clueless? Perhaps he likes the vagueness of wonder & confusion. Perhaps LEAVING things open makes him more open to the idea of LEAVING. Clearly.

I will continue to stare at him though. My heart will continue to skip a few beats, smiling at the memory of what was, of what could have been.

*But I have no more memories wrapped up in him waiting to be unwrapped, our time has come and gone…twice. And there will be no third time’s a charm. There will be simply, nothing.




Single & Dating: The Tinder Diaries P01…Same ol’ G

Dating, Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

There’s a world of online dating where people go to “connect”. But how exactly does one “connect” online? I personally had hermitised myself because of my recent heartbreak, so I definitely wasn’t connecting with anyone, anywhere…let alone on line. So the impersonal nature that online dating has and the idea of getting out there without technically getting out at all suited me perfectly.

So welcome my newest app download, Tinder, overwhelmed does not even begin to describe it!


The first guy I met was a beautiful, green eyed man with slivers of grey hair scattered around his head and beard. He was kind, respectful; the kind of man I thought had all but disappeared. He lived close to me too {thanks to Tinder’s location settings} We had so much in common, our industries, kids, relationship history. It was so easy to talk to him, at this stage I would have spoken to anyone; after being alone so long you crave the conversation more than anything else.

I had a work trip toward the end of 2014, and so did he. We were chatting one afternoon and realized that we both happened to be in the same area, 2500km’s away from our hometown. We decided we had to meet, at the hotel I was staying at, after my event.

It was just before 2am when he arrived, I had a few drinks too many and stood there in my black dress. He was excited, in a good mood, he laughed, and smiled…he was such a gentlemen. We spoke all night, him on the couch, me on the bed…he left about 2 hours later, I fell asleep.

I remember asking him why he never tried anything, not even a kiss…he simply replied “What kind of man would you think I was if I did that?”. That was the start of a six month love affair. A love affair that saw us giving and receiving many orgasms. No inhibitions. No need to impress the other. Just two people, who’ve been alone so long and were simply happy to not be alone anymore. He loved my body; a body that I was made to feel so self conscious about, a body that was hurt, bruised and tossed aside, and yet he loved it, like it was the first time he touched it, every time. Like he was just so glad he was being given the opportunity to enjoy it. I remember what that felt like. I never felt that before.

As I write, I remember. His lips were soft, yet strong. He’s grip, firm yet gentle. His voice was deep, but caring. Never spoke a harsh word and never raised his voice. Fear was never something I felt around him. I enjoyed him, I loved our time together. But then just like that, he was gone. Tinder does that you know, as quickly as you can come into someone’s life, that’s how quickly you can leave.

Oddly enough, the day I wrote this was his birthday. I was reminded of how thankful I was to have met him. He restored my faith in a man who can make a woman feel as amazing as I did when I was with him.

He was the first man I was with after my break up, he was worth the wait. He awoke parts of me I thought had died. Made me want to be alive again. He will never know any of this, but he was the start of my journey back to the one person I forget mattered the most, me.

We’ll call him G, and he was amazing.

Women & Relationships: When you’re living dead

Abuse, Break Ups, Cheating, Death, Love, Relationships, Sister, Uncategorized, Woman, women

After the break up two years ago I found myself doing something I’d never thought I’d do again so soon. Grieving.  The death of my relationship, but most importantly the death of me, the person I was before him.

You see, an abusive relationship kills you, figuratively and more often in some cases, literally. In my case it was the latter; my eyes were open, there was air moving in and out of my lungs, but there was no life inside of me. Inside, I was as good as dead.

wordpress_living dead

In the notebooks I found recently I can trace back the first violent incident to August 2011. He threw a plate at me for going out with colleagues after a work function. I can trace back the first lie to the very day we met again in April 2009 when I asked him “who’s car is this” because I knew what car he drove, and the one I saw that night was not it. “It’s my mechanic’s” he replied.  It wasn’t and I later found out that it was the woman he was living with, the women who called him her boyfriend…his girlfriend! It was her car! And I was in it. {Funnily enough, the mother of his child told me many times how he would come pick her up in my car and go out on dates, I never believed her because he always said she was lying…that’s karma for you}

Fast forward to May 2014…the day I told him to please leave, once and for all, and for the last time.  And so it started, as though what had been going on for the past few years wasn’t enough.

I spent each day after that last day in denial {yes, I hoped he would come back, and say he’s sorry…again} the pain, anguish. The anger and sadness overwhelmed me. I spent most mornings driving to work in tears and most night’s awake suffering from insomnia. Even when I could manage a few hours of sleep they too were tainted with nightmares, night sweats, heart palpitations & restlessness. My breakdowns were so severe, I couldn’t move, talk, and think…I was numb.

I never recognized this person, when I looked in the mirror or caught a reflection of what I had become. 2014 was a horrible year. I couldn’t let anyone see me like this, so I stayed away from everyone. The lies I told, oh my word the lies. All the “I’m fine’s” and the “It’s okay’s” and the “I’m busy I can’t make it’s”.  I was so good at it. Or so I thought,

My daughter, she suffered while I suffered. I couldn’t help myself so she tried, but was only 7 years old, it was never her job. I hope she knew it was never her, I tell her that now. She believes me. She says she’s happy to have her mommy back. I wish I could say the same because the person that came back is not who I was, I am not sure who she is quite yet…but I do believe she is getting better. My daughter say I smile a lot more, I laugh a lot more too.

But there is still so much anger inside of me. I feel it when comments are made that brings back a memory or two. In fact, just yesterday I got told in the most condescending tone of voice I have ever heard directed at me…“Look here, I know YOU  went through a bad time in YOUR relationship, but I …I actually give a damn about mine” And this was my sister. Hearing those words hurt me, it was unexpected and caught me completely off guard. All I asked was if she wanted to come with me to the food market on Sunday, but her finace is going to rehab because he is apparently a drug addict, yet she chooses to shout at me instead of leaving him… and I lost my shit and told her as such.

No one has the right to assume what it was I went through, what that “bad time” was like. No one has the right to talk about it in my absence or reference it in my presence unless I brought it up. This never happens, because I can’t ever bring myself to start telling someone my story. I try, so I share pieces of it, bordering on headings and summaries…and I wish I could, I wish I could see someone’s face as they hear what I have to say. So I can see the horror in their eyes, because that is what it was, it was horrible. It was absolutely horrible.

I cried last night. I cry often these days, as it leads up to the anniversary of the death of me, us, and him…the tears serve as a reminder. I don’t like these memories anymore but I know they won’t go away until I make new ones, with someone who is not him. With someone who’s love won’t hurt me. With someone who I am not scared of. With someone. Else.

And right there is where I find myself, stuck, because it’s kind of hard to live let alone love, when you’re dead.

Sex & Relationships: The ultimate act of surrender S.01 Epi.02

Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

“…Because something tells me that there are memories wrapped up inside of him that might just belong to me.”

The story of The Architect and I started early last year when a mutual friend suggested we become Facebook friends, we did.

Fast forward to our first kiss almost a year later. Our first time: a month and a bit afterwards.

Rewind a few hours before to realize that I was tequila drunk and quite honestly don’t remember the details of that momentous occasion. Regret and trying to fill in drunken blanks are a most entertaining combination.

wordpress_second chance at first time

Fast forward again to two weeks later when drunk me decided to tell him I don’t want to see him anymore! Yes, I did. What was I supposed to do? Two people that like each other just had sex, you’d think that changes things and he would act like it. I didn’t feel that he did and my angry birds started acting up again.

My friends tried to explain to me that these things take time; going from friends to realizing there’s the possibility of more, to being intimate, to seeing each other and then to being something exclusive before it even becomes official.

Fast forward to another month later, another kiss later and I remember how much I actually really like this one, and that that’s good enough to start. So I said it. But because I’m not that brave, even Dutch courage never allowed me to dial his number…I texted “I like you and you like me, and I think we deserve to see if that’s enough to start” He said I was sweet, demanding…but sweet wins though, and best of all, he never said NO, the way I did, so many times before.

I know there are reasons he has for not wanting a girlfriend, so I won’t be that, I’ll just be. I waited this long for him; another few weeks won’t kill me.

Fast forward to a few days later, and the best part in our story yet…I finally got my second chance to experience our first time, and it was most probably the best thing I have had the privilege of being a part of in a very long time. At some point he said “God dammit, you’re beautiful, Woman!” and that right there was everything. made it worth it.

Patience is a virtue. My body is aching. My memory is intact. I am happy.