Sometimes I have to re read my words, the words that my heart spoke during a very difficult time in my life. I re read them to remember how far I have come and to remind myself to never ever go back there.
I remember so much sadness. I wish I could forget that feeling. The emptiness, the despair.
I remember how lost I was and I remember the things I did to try and find my way back to myself again. It seemed in vain. But I tried.
The things I did to make myself “feel” better when in actual fact I couldn’t feel anything at all. But I tried.
I remember hoping & praying that one day I would be able to be okay again, myself again. I remember hoping & praying to heal, so that one day when he comes along I can be whole and happy and not allow my past to hurt my present. My gift, the gift i hoped for. A feeling out of the brokenness.
Sometimes I forget to remember, those are the days I smile. Laugh. The days I forget to remember, those are the best ones.
I never used to laugh much, but I remember being happy; but I also never used to cry as much as I did. I remember each tear, like a lover lost; fading the further it went.
I liked laughing. It was better that crying. I found my laughter again, and it’s been a while since I cried, until a few nights ago, until he made me cry again. The one that gave me that feeling. The one I hoped for. He made me cry.
Crying because I couldn’t understand how you could say to someone “I think we need space” when space is all we ever had? So callously. So carefree. So inconsiderate.
And no matter how many times I tried to close that space, he found equal and more powerful ways of reinstating it. Again, I tried.
How do you tell someone “I think we need space” when that is all you have ever given them, because you knew they needed it, and they needed time; time to understand that not all women are the same, time to understand that maybe I won’t do what she did, time to understand that it could be different. Time to heal the same hurts I have. I tried. He never did. And seemingly never will.
He doesn’t get to say that. Space and time was all I ever gave him because I thought that’s what he needed.
Until it became clear that that was what he wanted.