*But I have no more memories wrapped up in him waiting to be unwrapped, our time has come and gone…twice. And there will be no third time’s a charm. There will be simply, nothing.
Funnily enough, two days after I wrote this we spent the night together and several times afterwards too. Most recently, less that 72 hours ago. It’s no secret I enjoy this man, it’s also no secret his been around for longer than a minute.
So much for ‘nothing’ right? I make myself believe it’s nothing sometimes, so that I don’t place myself in a situation where I could be hurt by the something I am feeling.
One would however think, being an adult and realizing that after being in whatever it was I was in be it in love / in lust or simply infatuated with a man for more than a year with no resulting discussion of a relationship would make things obvious that is never will progress further than drunk friends with benefits, which is weird, because I don’t even think we are friends to be honest.
I try to convince myself that I will stop, with him, but I can’t, and i don’t know why. I want to punch his face but I also want to kiss it. Which is why seeing him again after 4 weeks of not seeing him caused me so much anxiety to a point where I couldn’t even bear to look at him for the first few hours of him arriving.
There will always be something, even if it’s only the sense of something so familiar that it brings comfort…but is that really all we could ever be, each other’s familiar?
However the possibility of nothing is always far too close by, you see with him “nothing” is always more inevitable than anything else.
His withdrawal. His distancing. The ghosting! How do you share intimacy with a woman and then just disappear? After the first time yes, that’s called a one night stand…but a 6 month stand…these things don’t exist, or at least they shouldn’t.
He ignites too many mixed emotions for this to be healthy for me, God knows I have been through too much in my past to be confused with the next one.
I really need to start following my instincts. I really need to start speaking about what I am feeling, even if the risk is rejection. But I also really need to stop trying where it’s clear it will make no difference because that is what I have been doing, trying.
I’m just so scared that he could be everything…but instead he will turn out to be just another something that lead to nothing.