Love & Personality: Touch my heart but don’t touch me

Dating, Love, Uncategorized

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Love is not complicated, people are.

It’s kind of difficult though when the one thing you need in life is something you don’t want. Or at least, not something you want from the one who loves you.

Don’t get me wrong; I am all about massages, head rubs, playing with my finger tips {yes, that is a thing} but yet, it’s the affectionate touches that seemingly bothers me the most.

Oddly enough there were moments where touch was extremely important to me…for me to {want to}touch him and to {want to} be touched by him. These were the times I was in love, with him. Like utterly, soul shakingly, eye blindingly in love. These are the times I would remember. And these are the times that has created the basis for every other touch.

I remember times as I lied beneath him I’d feel him start at my ankle, slowly stroking my my calf with his fingers, my thigh, groping my butt {as if to say “this here, this belongs to me..and it did}. He’d make his way up from the small of my back, squeezing my shoulder before he’d stroke the entire length of my arm eventually landing his palm into mine…he’d gaze up, into my eyes and look at me with what felt like bewilderment for what he’s seeing, for what he had just felt; physically, emotionally…holding my hand with every part of our bodies touching each others’…that, that was touching.

He  was able to touch my body, my mind, my heart…because I wanted him to, because I was in love with him, and because of that I needed him to feel it, to feel that love, to feel my body that I gave to him.

Love was beautiful, I miss it though. I miss the anticipation, the electricity {literally; when we’d touch we’d shock} the corner of the mouth smile when our eyes meet from across the room, I miss the want but most importantly I miss the self I become when I am in love. Different. Who I am supposed to be.

Softer, rounded edges. More gentle, caring. But I’m also possessive, obsessive, jealous and paranoid. Until I have unlearned the latter, I cannot be the former and I cannot enjoy the touches and everything that accompanies it that I so deeply desire.

So for now, I will continue to seek other ways of receiving and demonstrating my emotions…but mostly, I wait for the day that my eyes look at another the way they looked at him, before I even knew exactly what he was going to be. Mine. Forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Single & Dating: The New Guy, he’s coming home S01. Ep03

Uncategorized

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I’ve been called many things in my life, for once I’ve decided to make a concerted effort to never being called them again. Things like “disinterested” “unaffectionate” and “cold”.

I’m trying and I’m managing. New Guy, I called him #booboobear …once…it was a start. I do however feel that the addition of “babe” is not far behind, so I try it in my mind, but I can’t bring myself to say it, let alone type it in a message.

He enjoys watching me try though. He is sweet and honest and sincere. He makes me laugh. He says things like “I adore you” “All I want to do is make you smile”I appreciate you” …who says that, to me?

I got so used to not hearing those words that I forgot that I deserve them, that I deserve to taste happiness on my lips instead of the tears that are constantly there. He gives me what I deserve even though I tried everything to make him go away. More and more and more I find myself smiling for no reason, more and more I think about “the others” less and less. More and more I want him to say those words, more and more…because I deserve to hear them. And he deserves the chance to be given the opportunity to say them, to me.

I need to feel if him coming home makes me feel like I’ve come home; after a long journey away from the people I love. To feel that he is every feeling and touch and word that I missed, I need to feel like I’ve come home. That’s how I will know. Or at least that’s what I convinced myself will tell me that I am in love, or could possibly be, one day.

*He comes home on Wednesday, I’m smiling, it’s weird.

Single & Dating: The New Guy & my new names S01. Ep01

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The much debated “new guy”, the one I am not sure whether The Biker noticed or not…well, he’s around now and very eager. In fact, so eager that I have already seen him once after meeting him (no funny business) and he has made plans to see me again, tomorrow (there won’t be any funny business either).

My problem here is that he does not call me by my name, which is very important to me ~ he does however call me everything from Sunshine to Baba, Honey, Love and Gorgeous. Oh wait, Babes too.

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Two things: either he doesn’t bother with names because it’s easier to just throw around pet names  than remembering the 5 girls he is chatting up

OR he actually does the affectionate name calling thing…and well actually thinks I am the fucking Sun and that maybe he does indeed find me utterly gorgeous. These are not far fetched truths I might add.

How soon is too soon for pet names?

Am I being silly?

Should I just go with it?

Should I express my discomfort?

{I actually thought I will just try it and told him “I like that you call me everything else besides my name” …now I think he does it because he thinks I like it…so if I say I don’t he will ask me why I lied}

Should I just talk to him about it?

I’m not sure about this one, but that could be my trust issues and absolute fear of affection surfacing and ruining things.

*I close myself up because I’m scared I’ll get hurt, but then I am also closed to love….it’s a fucking conundrum!