Dating & Relationships: Words Worth Writing

Break Ups, Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

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Each time I write, the words splash pieces of myself into a place where anyone can touch them. And when I realized I wasn’t driven to pen & paper each time we were together, my heart knew it wasn’t worth it.

I think about everyone I have ever written about, the emotions tied to every word. The memory linked to each sentence. The feeling each paragraph reminds me of. I’ve been a bucket of emotions for as long as I can remember {…pity no one else knows this about me}.

Sometimes I go back to reread my very own history when I feel the memories slipping away. Sometimes I cry, other times I smile. But no matter what the emotional response, at least there are ones. With him, there was nothing, nothing worth writing about, nothing I wanted to remember, nothing worth remembering to be honest. Except that I now know that the words I love you mean nothing if not backed up by action. That three words can get cold real fast.

Why did I even let it go on this long, four and half month of being his girlfriend when I never missed him when we were apart. Never longed for his smell and touch and the sound of his laughter…never had the sense of anticipation for our next time together erupt out of me and land on my face as blushed cheeks and permanent smiles. Never did the urge to want to be next to him, to touch him, to hold his hand ever envelope me the same way I wanted his body to.

I knew this from the beginning though, that I felt nothing for him. I never did. Not in all the years we knew each other, he was never on my radar; what he turned out to be was a rebound. I never wanted to admit it, but that’s all he was. I literally needed to drink every time we were together, being sober around him was excruciating. I knew the longer it continued the more i would lose pieces of myself, and not in my words, on these pieces of digital paper…but I’d lose myself completely trying.

Be with someone worth writing about. Be with someone who makes you smile. Be with someone who’s actions don’t require the constant and sometime premature “I love you’s”…but most importantly, just be with someone you can be yourself with, your best self, the person you want to be because of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love & Relationships: He was my one, WAS.

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I think about him far too often for it to be healthy. I think about how much I loved him, what I did to be with him, what I gave up, what I lost, but also what I gained. It might seem like nothing to many people, but I gained the knowledge of what I never want again. Of what I never want to feel again, of what I never want to hear again. I gained the knowledge that love does in fact not hurt, it heals. And when it hurts, it is not love.

Our story is an amazing one, I think we were just too young when we met the first time and the second time {10 years later} was not the right time. We made ourselves believe it was though, but having something that started out wrong was bound to end wrong. And boy did it ever.

We fell into a love that you simply do not ever fully recover from. A chemistry so strong that it could be good, so good…and bad, so bad. A chemistry that many described as dangerous. And again, boy was it ever! We are over now, have been for a number of years, but in our souls we will always be each other’s other. The one that taught us more that we would like to admit, the one that hurt the other more than we could ever explain and the ones that loved each so much that it literally nearly killed them.

He is my forever, the one that will that will continue to live in a small place in the corner of my heart, mind and soul. His name tattooed on my body marking every place he ever touched. Every place his eyes ever landed. The one that will always be both my best and worst memory. He is my one. Well, was my one. That’s the only difference now. That’s the only thing that has changed.

I believe I will never love another man with the same intensity and passion with which I loved him, and that’s okay. We had a great love, when it was good it was amazing. But the bad out numbered the good nine times out of ten. He was it, until he was no more. Until he changed. Until the man I loved lived no more.

I don’t want to replace that love. I’ve used men over the last few months to replace his memory, it won’t ever work…I tried hard, I really did. It’s not fair to them and it is indeed not fair to me to continue to try and do that. It is with this epiphany that I am now able to move forward into the hope that I will in fact be okay, that I will fall in love again and that I will be loved in return. Although he will always be a part of me as I will be a part of him, trying to write his story out of me will never work. Trying has exhausted me. Even my tired is tired.

*I’m just tired. But wait…I still have a date tonight {fok}

Single & Dating: The Biker ~ The End: Ep03

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Yes I ended it with a message!

I wanted to end it face to face but when I arrived at the clubhouse in the early hours of Saturday morning he drove off with a few people in the car, one of whom was the young girl he introduced to me as his “future wife”. The bar ladies said he usually drops some of the people at home, but I know he saw my car. Yet he left anyway.

I thought “let him go” and just never say anything to him again ~ but then he will think that what he did was okay and I can’t allow that. Not again.

motorsiklet tutkusu

So, I sent a very long message which ended mine and The Biker’s three very fun filled months together.

“Hey “insert biker’s name here”. It’s a long one, but please read it.

There’s just two things I must say to you before I can actually just stop saying anything ever again. Number one, you do not have to reply to this message, so don’t bother to if you don’t want to. It’s more important for me to let you know this as opposed to me having to hear anything in return from you.

Number two. I’m not an emotional personal, I don’t like making things bigger than what they are. And I need very little to be made happy…like a kiss from the man I’m fucking is really not that much to ask for.
You blatantly ignoring me since last weekend and not responding to my messages actually hurt what little feelings I am capable of. And I don’t think that that’s what I deserve. You may not think I matter, but I do.

I’ve spent my time with you because I enjoy being around you, I feel better when I’m with you and it’s easy for me to be around you and I liked you and I would miss you if I never saw you in a while. But it’s obvious that you don’t want that. And so it’s obvious that I was wasting my time.

So, like I said in a previous message not too long ago, I’m really glad we met again after all these years. I really am. You have no idea how much. But, for many reasons, you won’t be seeing me around or hearing from me anymore.
I have no desire to chase a man who doesn’t think I matter. Who doesn’t think I deserve the respect of a proper goodbye.

I will however appreciate that whatever happened between us is kept between us. We know a lot of people, not many knew we spent some time together and since I’m not saying anything I’d appreciate it if you do the same.

Good bye “insert Biker’s name here”, stay safe and look after yourself.”

I wasn’t happy with his reply, he appeared to be sincerely and terribly sorry for hurting my feelings but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. And so I said nothing. I felt good for standing up for myself though. For finally being able to tell someone that what they have done has hurt me.

Besides, I’m cleaning house to make sure there is room for my one, the one that leaves me speechless. Who leaves me a mumbling mess of singing hello’s and walking around in circles. The one who, when I see him, makes my heart scream “it’s you”