Women & Dating: Love is Blind…

Dating, Love, Uncategorized, Woman, women

Someone once told me that I am a walking, breathing example of the phrase Love is blind.You have such amazing intuition, you give really good advice and you can read people better than anyone I know

What’s your point?” I asked. “Then why when you fall in love does all of this go to shit?!”

I gave that some thought and realised that he was 100% right. It’s not love that’s blind, it’s quite simply that love blinds me.

It makes me tolerable of things I would otherwise deem unacceptable. It makes me stay around for a lot longer than I normally would and it definitely makes me fight FOR things I would usually fight ABOUT.

So it’s not surprising that I found myself in this exact situation not too long ago, where I thought I might have fallen in love, the fact was I didn’t, but I could have.

I somehow always knew from the beginning that this was a circus and he was the ring leader;  waving around so many red flags I had to be blind NOT to see it.

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In hindsight, I’m glad I blocked myself off to those red flags because it allowed me to just go with the flow and experience it for what it was…a lesson…another blady lesson. And quite frankly, if this was indeed a circus, I was only here for the kissing booth anyway….

But wait, I digress…he allowed me to be vulnerable, even though I resisted. It was something I haven’t allowed myself to be in a very long time. I needed him, it, all of it, and I needed to be blind to see that.

So when it ended and I finally snapped out of the love spell I was under, I realised that he had a pattern and it will always be the same with him and whoever he chooses next and because of this; he will most likely never be happy, at least not in the way he expects to.

This made it a lot easier to stay away from him when things ended. It made it easier letting go of the illusion. I cried though, a little {okay that’s a lie, a lot} and I’d be lying if I said it was easy knowing he was with someone new {so soon after me}; speaking to her the way he spoke to me, looking at her the way he looked at me. But it helped and for almost 8 weeks I never saw him, spoke to him, texted him…until a few days ago.

My eyes really do enjoying looking at him. But this time I’m seeing everything. Like how he seems all over the place yet nowhere in particular. How he imagines situations that he believes will make him happy, when all along he was all he ever needed.

How he doesn’t see this is beyond me.  How he doesn’t realise how amazing he is…so amazing that he actually doesn’t need anyone’s validation.

He told his sister “She doesn’t even need me. I don’t feel that she needs me, I feel like I’m not good enough for her. She really doesn’t need anyone”.

If only he knew that everything he was was exactly what I needed. And how I would love to tell him every single thing he meant to me since the moment we met, how what I needed wasn’t what he was used to; girls needing things like parties, weekends away, lifts, gifts.

If I was the epitome of “love is blind” then he was the epitome of  “when you’re hurting, you should be healing not dating” and a host of other clichès as well.  But he’s never healed, and so he’s never learnt.

I love knowing that he was all I needed, not his things, not what he had…just him. In my blindness I was fine with being “just another one” to him, because in this story he wasn’t “just another one” to me…I needed him, and he’ll never know it, because I will never tell him.

He’s changed me. In fact he said this “look at what I did to you…” to which I replied “what? made me soft?” …he smiled and gave me that look that would usually result in our clothes being ripped off. But alas. {we’re friends now, and friends don’t do that…apparently}

But he has, he’s made it okay for me to be softer, kinder and more affectionate. I’m still the alpha though, let’s not get that twisted. But I am more open about my feelings, wants and my needs. His touch made me want to be touched. And the way he spoke to me; he’s made me realize that if no one ever speaks to me that way again I will miss it, because I loved it. But mostly I love how he’s changed the way I think about men and how I need to treat them too.

Honesty was always what we found most refreshing about the other, so when that honesty was used to end things, it made it okay…besides, I could never be angry with this man, never.

So I would love nothing more than to tell him these things you know, and I will. But the words never seem to make their way out my mouth. And even though I never say it, I know he sees it on my face. He says “your emotions sit right there you know, I can see it” and even when I lie and try to dismiss things and emotions he says “You are such a bad liar!”

***I couldn’t hide it even if I tried ***

My blinkers might be off, but knowing that I love him without being in love with him {this is still debatable though} shifts me into a whole new place in his life and him in mine. A place we both seem to enjoy. A place where I really hope we can stay.

We will never be together romantically again, I have no intention of going blind again, and being in his life as his friend seems to be the reason we found each other. Because I think he might also be blind…and perhaps my role is remove his blinkers so that he can see how amazing he is and that if he just stops chasing the idea of love, it will eventually make its way to him…the way I did.

 

 

 

 

 

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Women & Love: Only when you know what love is not, will you find out what it really is

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I don’t think I have ever truly been in love before, not the way it’s supposed to be at least. You know; the way poets describe it, the way authors write about it. Being in absolute love, not something I have ever had the privileged of being in.

Not until now that is. Well, a few months ago when I met him for the first time. I looked into his face one night {even murmured a few words} not even knowing his name but somehow everything changed. A part of me realized I found what I had been looking for. The other part of me. That thing that I was missing. He was right there.

I am different with him, in a good way. I speak differently, softer, more gentle. I behave differently, calmer. I feel differently, awake, in touch and aware. I could hold his hand and not be afraid. I can cry in front of him and be okay. I can tell him how I feel and the world wouldn’t come to an end. My heart has opened, it chose him and changed.

Missing him is not heart wrenchingly painful. There is no jealousy, no obsession, no possession. No nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach when I imagine the endless possibilities of what he is doing when i am not with him. I just feel content knowing that I breathe the same air he does. That the same sun touches both our skins in the day and the same moon lights up our sky at night. No matter where we are, I feel him as though he was next to me.

It was the oddest thing, when I realized I was in love. Weird, different. It’s so beautiful though that even though I don’t know if we will ever be together, wanting him to be happy is the only thing that matters to me. Whether it’s with me or not. *How mature is that!? We’ve had our moment and continue to have them when the world brings us together just often enough to remind us of the other. The other times however I do spend my time not waiting for him…he’s never asked me to, and I have never asked him too either…there is no expectation, there is no disappointment. I have others and I am sure he does too. Which is why I know this is real what I feel, knowing I love him, knowing I will be ready when our time comes.

Simply knowing he’s alive right now means more to me than anything and knowing that our time will come and when it comes I need to be ready to love him. I have been waiting since the start of forever for my forever and I knew my heart would find him eventually, and I knew when I did there would be no turning back. I fell in love with a man, and it was soft, and gentle; the way you fall when you fall asleep…not the way I used to do it, the way when you fall off a cliff and break all your bones and die.

 

 

Single & Frustrated: Qualifying criteria to be the last one standing…

Dating, Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

It’s actually not that difficult, I just make it that way. I mean fuck, if that fuck nut of an ex who still causes me so much turmoil can find someone to put up with his lying, drug addicted, violent, cheating, manipulative, psychopathic ass…then surely I can too.

I just really need someone who will happily pour me wine and watch series with me…and then maybe get something to eat and have sex…the food is optional.

Oh, and you can’t watch series with other girls if you’re watching series with me *and by watch series I mean have sex* …so don’t even try to fuck boy your way into a bread buttering competition…because you can only have it on one side, and that one side is my buns, not her korsie and if you try it any other way you will lose.

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I’m not fussy but just so we have clarity, let’s get started:

  1. You must be single, single single single and you need to be able to tell me you why you are single. Having your heart broken once is a valid reason and I understand, but don’t hou duk with that excuse because even I know a broken heart can heal…eventually.
  1. You need to have the capacity to grow a beard, you do not necessarily have to have one when we meet, but the potential for growth…as with many things in life…needs to be there.
  1. You cannot be thinner than me and I’m not thin…
  1. You cannot be shorter than me and I’m 1.7…
  1. Being big & tall is great, but everything needs to be in proportion…especially our friend down there.
  1. I have enough boobs for the both of us, you don’t need to have them too #moobsmustfall
  1. You need to be a man man. Not a boy. Not a pansy. Not a”I’m too good to change my own tyre, I’ll pay someone to do it” or “this shirt was  expensive we can’t jump in the pool right now”
    Men make fires, pay their own bills, respect their woman, loves their parents, races cars, owns power tools and can screw anything into any hole.
    Boys quit their jobs and dream of becoming hip hop artists, yes, I know the SABC now says 90% local music so your chances are a lot higher these days…great, for you.
  1. I love old people, but I generally prefer them within the range of either 10 years my senior or 1 year my junior…don’t even try, just don’t.
  1. You need to be aware of your health, I can’t have sex with you and all of the sudden you get a heart attack, dead is not cool. Being alive under a dead person, even less cool.
  1. You must have a hobby, if it’s a sport, great…Fantasy League football does NOT count…you just need to be passionate about something other than me J
  1. Please don’t make me go hiking. If I do, then you must know I really enjoy having sex with you to put up with that hiking up mountains bullshit.
  2. Being clever is cute and I like it…be qualified in something, have a degree, educate yourself.
  1. Please do not ever wear crocs FFS or sloffies that make your toes hang over…just no.
  1. Please be able to cook, or at least fry bacon and eggs…I can deal with bacon and eggs for the rest of my life, I REALLY CAN
  1. I drink a lot of wine, you need to deal and you need to be willing to come wine drinking with me *I drink , I don’t taste, so it’s never wine tasting, ever*
  1. I like going away to new places…I go away often so you need to be proactive and book shit and make plans. And if you don’t then all you ever need to say when I make plans is “yes baby, I’m in” even if it’s the kakkest idea you ever heard.
  1. 30 seconds, dominoes and poker is a must…we need to be able to keep ourselves entertained when we are not having sex.
  1. You must be a good kisser because you can’t walk around slapping your dick in my face all day
  1. You must have good sense of humour and you must be able to make me laugh…I laugh at anything really, I’m totally easy…to please….with jokes *whispering* “and a penis…”
  1. You must have a Facebook account. Like it or not we will be Facebook official…my friends have been waiting for my “one” longer than I have and this is non-negotiable…for their sake obviously, not mine, I don’t need the external validation from random strangers nor do i desire the gratification of everyone seeing how ridiculously happy i am and how ridiculously much sex I am having…you know.

Oh, and don’t do drugs and don’t be a violent psychotic hypocrite who likes to fuck around and tell lies.
Oh, and if you read this post and felt intimidated, cringed or thought “wow she’s so un-politically correct and rude”… you are not qualified and you need to fuck off.

Great, good luck.

May the odds be ever in your favour!

Single & Dating: Back to Basics

Dating, Relationships, Uncategorized

I miss the organic & spontaneous meeting of two people.. Those tell-tale sign that someone likes you; the nervousness, shyness, the blushing and little-girl-like-giggling! More than any of this, it’s the look in their eyes when they eventually build up the courage to make eye contact. Seeing each other from across the room; the smile that follows, the attempt to look away but knowing it’s already too late, they saw you and they’ve been watching you too. The body language that follows, moving closer and closer until there’s the possibility of an “accidental” touch of hands, pat on the back or brush up against the shoulder. It’s everything. And it’s beautiful. To be a part of this, to witness it. But this is what we have lost.

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Social media, online dating and the various instant messaging platforms have all but removed the senses  from the equation. The smell, of his perfume…the smell,  of her hair…the sound of their voice and the feeling of the first touch…the electricity, the chemistry. It’s gone. And I for one want it back.

If we can all just go back to the basics, of having the courage to approach someone, knowing yet still taking the chance that the answer may be no, but knowing that the reward of a possible yes was enough. If we can all just go back to being okay with saying the first hello, knowing that there is a chance they will say hi…that’s really all we need, is to start saying “hello” again. Is that too much to ask?

*Hey
**Hi

Single & Dating: The Tinder Diaries P02 Circle’s closin in

Abuse, Dating, Love, Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman

Although my love affair with G was fulfilling, and to be honest, more than enough, the ease of Tinder allowed for more than just one…playmate. I needed to see what else was out there. Who else was out there. And so my introduction to the IT guy, my first one, happened.

I say first because well, there’s been a few more. But this particular one it would appear Tinder selected based on Facebook mutual friend suggestions. Although, little did Facebook and Tinder know that we had in fact already met, an entire year before. I sat right at his kitchen table enjoying a glass of wine with him at my friend’s wedding after party January of that year, 2014.

But alas, little did Facebook, Tinder or anyone else for that matter know that that night I happen to be left standing on the highway by my drunk, very high and violent boyfriend at the time. Yes, left on the highway, because oddly enough, I got accussed of sleeping with said IT guy that night.

So the irony did not escape either of us when we realized who the other was and more specifically, the irony did not escape us when we actually did start sleeping together.

Mr IT was such a great guy though; intelligent, caring, considerate, attentive and a really passionate and gentle lover. We had so much fun together. He had a great sense of humour and thought I was really funny too. We went on dates, festivals even went to the theatre. We laughed, held hands, sat next to each other…kissed. I liked him. More than I did anyone in a years. I thought “could this be my guy? It would be so easy, I already know his family, friends…could it be?”

Short answer is no. He could not be, he was not going to be.

I had an event one night, very close to where he lived, my intention was to see him that day but it would appear that my intention and his intention were not the same. I woke up to a text from him, ending it. Saying he had met someone else and that he wants to explore things with her. I cried. Everything my ex had said was coming true “They will never love you” “They only want to fuck you” “You are nothing special” “You will never be anyones choice” I cried some more. And then some more.

I replied, eventually, with a beautiful and respectful message…because he was being honest, and he did not deserve my anger or sadness. He was not that type of guy. And I was not going to be that girl. My tears made me realize that I am not dead, somewhere inside I still work, and dream, and long…for a next time. The possibility of a next time was now something I was no longer afraid of. I had hoped it could have been with him, it just felt unfinished, like it wasn’t over yet. But it was.

That night my ex broke into my house, drunk and high again…attacked me and I had to have him arrested.

*The irony does not escape me.

Women & Relationships: When U & I become US

Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized, Woman, women

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I don’t know when this started, I think it’s always been a part of me; I have a very competitive nature. This has not proven well in my romantic relationships though, even though it reared its ugly head rather late.

I remember my very first boyfriend; he wanted me, only me. Then my second one, me too…my third, he looked at me and decided right there. Told me as such too. My fourth one was my second one, he just couldn’t stay away J

The point is: they asked. I said yes and pooof I was someone’s girlfriend. No two ways about it. It was now “us” and “we”.

What are “we” doing?

Where are “we” going?

They Invited “us”

“We” should go see that movie etc…you get my drift.

I don’t know when that stopped because when I met my now ex-husband, it was me…and 4 other girls. When I met my boyfriend after my husband it was me and an ex that would not go away…and and and {others}. I had to fight for them…why I don’t rally know, to be the winner? What was the prize? It wasn’t them. I was the fucking prize. When did I forget that I was the prize?

And now, a habit I need to break. My need to be chosen.  And my need to be the prize.

The one that hurt me, the one most of these blogs were about, the one I continue to write out of me until one day all he is is words on a page and no longer memories in my heart. Him, I wanted so badly for him to choose me; I forgot I could choose myself. I had done it before, I did it with him and now I find myself doing it again. My need to be chosen, my need to be someone’s choice; it is that need that has and I will have to admit most probably allowed to me be a fool for a bit longer than what was necessary.

The problem with being someone’s choice is that they will always question whether you were the right one. You will always try to prove that you were and still are.

If that is the case, then please don’t choose me. I don’t want to be a choice any more. I don’t want to be your choice.

I am the “without her nothing makes sense” girl.

I am the “she’s a raging fucking lunatic, but she’s my raging fucking lunatic okay” girl. And if I am not that, then I am nothing.

I will no longer settle for mediocre. I will no longer settle for once a week, for excuses, for half arsed efforts.

I will not fight to prove that I am that, that I am the one that’s just right.

I will not push aside others who want to prove to me they are, I will not be to be your only when you are not doing the same.

I will not give us the space to get to know each other when I am the only one making that space. My case will not be pleaded. This is not a game. And I don’t want to win.

What I will do however is walk away. And if you are not running behind me, I will continue walking.

Single & Winging it: Torn between two lovers

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At some point it was bound to happen. The inevitability was too blatant to ignore. Feeling torn, between two lovers…not exactly where I thought I’d find myself.

I’ve always said that if a man has to choose between me and someone else, don’t choose me, and now I find myself needing to do the same. But do I?

Without diminishing any of their capacity as men, because both of them are indeed that, men. Both wonderful, confident, successful, outgoing and caring, fun, funny and very easy to be around. Yet they’re both so different and it’s those differences that will end up being my gauge of who I feel my best with and who I feel I will be able to be the best for.

Don’t get me wrong, this is in no way a competition, in fact I am the forefront of this “race”, because I need to place myself first at some point in my life.

The one does not entice or excite me more than the other.  They both make me happy and I’m happy when I am around them. It’s obvious too. There’s definite chemistry and a definite attraction. So how did this get so complicated?

Me, that’s how. By thinking I could continue my “no-attachment-no-labels-scheduling-you-and-then-just-go-away-without-any-repercussion” attitude

This situation is exactly why I wrote https://tjunxn.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/single-waiting-but-if-you-like-each-other-why-arent-you-dating because I thought if I eliminate the titles, I could trick myself into thinking it would be easy. It is easy though, with both of them. So why am I complicating it?

Because even without any attachments to either of them; besides having slept with the one and not the other…this has become difficult, for me. On the plus side, the fact that I care about their feelings shows me personal growth and the willingness to put myself in a relationship with just one person.

Even though the one rather candidly replied “Nah, we’re just winging it, see where it goes” when asked “are you an item now” while the other has told me straight up that “as long as you do not have a boyfriend, I am not going anywhere, but also, I am not ready for a relationship either”

Overthinking it has complicated it, neither one of them has claimed me. “Winging it” is not exactly a reason to desire exclusivity, although I can imagine he might not be seeing anyone else…and if he found out that I am, he may or may not be upset.

But although winging it may not be enough to make stop but neither is choosing someone who has admitted to not being ready for a relationship, when they know for a fact that I am.

So..after hours of pondering, a semi-decision has been made: I will in fact wing it, because I too want to see where it goes. I’ve waited a year dammit {albeit not alone by the phone, but you know what I mean} so I won’t purposefully go out and source more “playmates” and those that I still have around I simply will no longer play with. And I’ll tell them why too.

“There’s someone that I want to do it right with. And he deserves more than me going around, still seeing you”

*That was more than i would ever have said a year ago