Women & Relationships: When expectations become the executioner of your butterflies

Relationships

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I don’t have that much experience with romantic relationships at all, well, not in the traditional sense that is.

Yes, I’ve had my fair share of lovers, some of them were pretty damn good {okay now I have a Barry White song stuck in my head} but when it comes down to it, I’ve chosen a lover countless times over a boyfriend because it’s just easier. Yes I have blamed my last relationship on my inability to move forward and have positive emotions etc, but that was a cowardly approach, because the truth is I just didn’t want to. I wanted to be free and I wanted to do what I wanted, when I wanted and with who I wanted.

The best things about a lover; no expectations, no rules, no labels…and for goodness sake no clinginess and dare I say no utterly unattractive neediness. And when you’re done with them, you move on, no break ups #bestever

There were times I thought it was what I wanted, I reached the point of being with a lover long enough to think a “next step” was needed…even if only to fulfill my frivolous need of having someone to tag in Facebook and Instagram posts, to having a permanent “plus one” because going through the tedious process of choosing a date was always just so arbitrary.

After The Architect dramatically ended things not too long ago I was all about using 2017 as my sabbatical year to just be selfish; with me, my time, my life, my stories…but I guess life decided that perhaps now would be the perfect time to send someone along, someone who finally wants me more than I want them, someone who would do anything for me as opposed to me doing everything for them…it was time though but it wasn’t expected, in fact, I never even saw it coming.

And so, here I am, after being single for three years, I find myself in a RELATIONSHIP!. An official one at that; not an imaginary one, one that I made up in my head, something was more than nothing…it’s real…he asked, I said no a few times just to keep it exciting…he kept asking and I acted more and more crazy just to test him…and no hey, he stayed, and he kept asking and eventually I thought “girl, you need to just give this one a go and for God’s sake, do it right!”.

*I can be quite convincing I must add

So eventually I said yes, and guess what {shock horror} it’s not exactly what I thought it would be. Dare I use that word “expected” again…it is not exactly what I expected it to be.

I expected an unlimited desire to want sexy time, an unquenching {not sure if this is a word} thirst for my man…I expected butterflies, jitters, nerves and a nauseatingly high need to want to throw up each time I was about to see him, but no, it was none of that, it is none of that.

Then I thought end it, this is not what you are used to, this is not what you normally feel, it’s not like all the other times…just end it. But another part of me though maybe that is the point, that it shouldn’t be like all the other times, because all the other times were disasters.

 

But not this time, he is lovely, kind, considerate and everyone likes him, I like him {enough}…and he likes me…my God, he actually likes me…through my tequila inhaling, pizza eating, potty mouth speaking ways…this man, for some ungodly reason actually likes me. And that was it, that was enough. And for now, it is enough for me to subdue my expectations before it kills something before it even had a proper chance.

{Aaaand now I have Barry White’s album on repeat…dammit}

 

….again….I should have known…my lack of feelings was the sign that just got louder and louder

Single & Waiting: The one that woke me

Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

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The last man I missed was the one who broke my heart; not only my heart but my whole body, mind and soul too. I haven’t had an emotional connection to anyone in a little over two years. Never felt the desire or need or want for anyone in particular. Never bothered me much if days or weeks went by without any contact..until this one. I miss this one, when I’m not around him. He told me again, about the first time he saw me, at {The Bikers} birthday…refer to {The Biker Ep 01, 02 & 03}. He said we never met that night, but we saw each other, and he said I looked at him as if I knew him, and he looked at me knowing he had to know me. I don’t even remember that, but he does.

I met up with him at a function last night; walked in, very late…but alas, better late than ugly. I saw him, he saw me. Then {The Biker} saw me too…it would appear I was missed {too little too late}. I think I took too long with that one and then he just came over & took me. I smiled, I was happy to see him, he shaved though…no beard. I hugged him, kissed him and ordered a water. Something about being in his presence makes me not need or even want alcohol.  But something about being in his presence and not being able to be with him was unbearable, so I left, after 45 minutes.{too many questions, too many eyes, too much history at that place} I said I have another party to go. I lied. There was no way I could have stayed there and stayed away from him. My body wouldn’t allow it. My lips just wanted his. His kisses, I want them. His skin, I want to touch it. His hands, I want to hold it. This man scares me.

He said “Are you still going {to the party}? Don’t take too long. Are you coming back?” I said “Yes, and yes”. But I lied, again. He wouldn’t have let me go. And I couldn’t stay.

Hours later. It was late; he called, I answered, he showed up. It was 3am. I got my kisses. I got to touch him. And hold his hands, when they weren’t spanking me.

*I woke up first this morning, but he’s the one that {woke}…me