Women & Relationships: When U & I become US

Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized, Woman, women

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I don’t know when this started, I think it’s always been a part of me; I have a very competitive nature. This has not proven well in my romantic relationships though, even though it reared its ugly head rather late.

I remember my very first boyfriend; he wanted me, only me. Then my second one, me too…my third, he looked at me and decided right there. Told me as such too. My fourth one was my second one, he just couldn’t stay away J

The point is: they asked. I said yes and pooof I was someone’s girlfriend. No two ways about it. It was now “us” and “we”.

What are “we” doing?

Where are “we” going?

They Invited “us”

“We” should go see that movie etc…you get my drift.

I don’t know when that stopped because when I met my now ex-husband, it was me…and 4 other girls. When I met my boyfriend after my husband it was me and an ex that would not go away…and and and {others}. I had to fight for them…why I don’t rally know, to be the winner? What was the prize? It wasn’t them. I was the fucking prize. When did I forget that I was the prize?

And now, a habit I need to break. My need to be chosen.  And my need to be the prize.

The one that hurt me, the one most of these blogs were about, the one I continue to write out of me until one day all he is is words on a page and no longer memories in my heart. Him, I wanted so badly for him to choose me; I forgot I could choose myself. I had done it before, I did it with him and now I find myself doing it again. My need to be chosen, my need to be someone’s choice; it is that need that has and I will have to admit most probably allowed to me be a fool for a bit longer than what was necessary.

The problem with being someone’s choice is that they will always question whether you were the right one. You will always try to prove that you were and still are.

If that is the case, then please don’t choose me. I don’t want to be a choice any more. I don’t want to be your choice.

I am the “without her nothing makes sense” girl.

I am the “she’s a raging fucking lunatic, but she’s my raging fucking lunatic okay” girl. And if I am not that, then I am nothing.

I will no longer settle for mediocre. I will no longer settle for once a week, for excuses, for half arsed efforts.

I will not fight to prove that I am that, that I am the one that’s just right.

I will not push aside others who want to prove to me they are, I will not be to be your only when you are not doing the same.

I will not give us the space to get to know each other when I am the only one making that space. My case will not be pleaded. This is not a game. And I don’t want to win.

What I will do however is walk away. And if you are not running behind me, I will continue walking.

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