Single & Frustrated: Qualifying criteria to be the last one standing…

Dating, Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

It’s actually not that difficult, I just make it that way. I mean fuck, if that fuck nut of an ex who still causes me so much turmoil can find someone to put up with his lying, drug addicted, violent, cheating, manipulative, psychopathic ass…then surely I can too.

I just really need someone who will happily pour me wine and watch series with me…and then maybe get something to eat and have sex…the food is optional.

Oh, and you can’t watch series with other girls if you’re watching series with me *and by watch series I mean have sex* …so don’t even try to fuck boy your way into a bread buttering competition…because you can only have it on one side, and that one side is my buns, not her korsie and if you try it any other way you will lose.

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I’m not fussy but just so we have clarity, let’s get started:

  1. You must be single, single single single and you need to be able to tell me you why you are single. Having your heart broken once is a valid reason and I understand, but don’t hou duk with that excuse because even I know a broken heart can heal…eventually.
  1. You need to have the capacity to grow a beard, you do not necessarily have to have one when we meet, but the potential for growth…as with many things in life…needs to be there.
  1. You cannot be thinner than me and I’m not thin…
  1. You cannot be shorter than me and I’m 1.7…
  1. Being big & tall is great, but everything needs to be in proportion…especially our friend down there.
  1. I have enough boobs for the both of us, you don’t need to have them too #moobsmustfall
  1. You need to be a man man. Not a boy. Not a pansy. Not a”I’m too good to change my own tyre, I’ll pay someone to do it” or “this shirt was  expensive we can’t jump in the pool right now”
    Men make fires, pay their own bills, respect their woman, loves their parents, races cars, owns power tools and can screw anything into any hole.
    Boys quit their jobs and dream of becoming hip hop artists, yes, I know the SABC now says 90% local music so your chances are a lot higher these days…great, for you.
  1. I love old people, but I generally prefer them within the range of either 10 years my senior or 1 year my junior…don’t even try, just don’t.
  1. You need to be aware of your health, I can’t have sex with you and all of the sudden you get a heart attack, dead is not cool. Being alive under a dead person, even less cool.
  1. You must have a hobby, if it’s a sport, great…Fantasy League football does NOT count…you just need to be passionate about something other than me J
  1. Please don’t make me go hiking. If I do, then you must know I really enjoy having sex with you to put up with that hiking up mountains bullshit.
  2. Being clever is cute and I like it…be qualified in something, have a degree, educate yourself.
  1. Please do not ever wear crocs FFS or sloffies that make your toes hang over…just no.
  1. Please be able to cook, or at least fry bacon and eggs…I can deal with bacon and eggs for the rest of my life, I REALLY CAN
  1. I drink a lot of wine, you need to deal and you need to be willing to come wine drinking with me *I drink , I don’t taste, so it’s never wine tasting, ever*
  1. I like going away to new places…I go away often so you need to be proactive and book shit and make plans. And if you don’t then all you ever need to say when I make plans is “yes baby, I’m in” even if it’s the kakkest idea you ever heard.
  1. 30 seconds, dominoes and poker is a must…we need to be able to keep ourselves entertained when we are not having sex.
  1. You must be a good kisser because you can’t walk around slapping your dick in my face all day
  1. You must have good sense of humour and you must be able to make me laugh…I laugh at anything really, I’m totally easy…to please….with jokes *whispering* “and a penis…”
  1. You must have a Facebook account. Like it or not we will be Facebook official…my friends have been waiting for my “one” longer than I have and this is non-negotiable…for their sake obviously, not mine, I don’t need the external validation from random strangers nor do i desire the gratification of everyone seeing how ridiculously happy i am and how ridiculously much sex I am having…you know.

Oh, and don’t do drugs and don’t be a violent psychotic hypocrite who likes to fuck around and tell lies.
Oh, and if you read this post and felt intimidated, cringed or thought “wow she’s so un-politically correct and rude”… you are not qualified and you need to fuck off.

Great, good luck.

May the odds be ever in your favour!

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Single & Dating: The Tinder Diaries P02 Circle’s closin in

Abuse, Dating, Love, Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman

Although my love affair with G was fulfilling, and to be honest, more than enough, the ease of Tinder allowed for more than just one…playmate. I needed to see what else was out there. Who else was out there. And so my introduction to the IT guy, my first one, happened.

I say first because well, there’s been a few more. But this particular one it would appear Tinder selected based on Facebook mutual friend suggestions. Although, little did Facebook and Tinder know that we had in fact already met, an entire year before. I sat right at his kitchen table enjoying a glass of wine with him at my friend’s wedding after party January of that year, 2014.

But alas, little did Facebook, Tinder or anyone else for that matter know that that night I happen to be left standing on the highway by my drunk, very high and violent boyfriend at the time. Yes, left on the highway, because oddly enough, I got accussed of sleeping with said IT guy that night.

So the irony did not escape either of us when we realized who the other was and more specifically, the irony did not escape us when we actually did start sleeping together.

Mr IT was such a great guy though; intelligent, caring, considerate, attentive and a really passionate and gentle lover. We had so much fun together. He had a great sense of humour and thought I was really funny too. We went on dates, festivals even went to the theatre. We laughed, held hands, sat next to each other…kissed. I liked him. More than I did anyone in a years. I thought “could this be my guy? It would be so easy, I already know his family, friends…could it be?”

Short answer is no. He could not be, he was not going to be.

I had an event one night, very close to where he lived, my intention was to see him that day but it would appear that my intention and his intention were not the same. I woke up to a text from him, ending it. Saying he had met someone else and that he wants to explore things with her. I cried. Everything my ex had said was coming true “They will never love you” “They only want to fuck you” “You are nothing special” “You will never be anyones choice” I cried some more. And then some more.

I replied, eventually, with a beautiful and respectful message…because he was being honest, and he did not deserve my anger or sadness. He was not that type of guy. And I was not going to be that girl. My tears made me realize that I am not dead, somewhere inside I still work, and dream, and long…for a next time. The possibility of a next time was now something I was no longer afraid of. I had hoped it could have been with him, it just felt unfinished, like it wasn’t over yet. But it was.

That night my ex broke into my house, drunk and high again…attacked me and I had to have him arrested.

*The irony does not escape me.