Women & Heartache: My three year anni{misery}

Break Ups, Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

I knew that some day when I’d eventually meet someone new that he would know; not because he was told but because he’d be able to feel it; that he would be able to feel my love for him fading and eventually dying.

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We always knew each other so well, he knew every smile, every eye roll, every “it’s fine” when it wasn’t because he made it that way. We’d start speaking at the same time {and it would always be about the same thing}. Our bodies mirrored each other the same way our minds did.

There was a time when we were perfect for each other, but that time was short lived.

It’s officially been three years and one day since the fateful end of our relationship. The timeline of our demise has become somewhat blurry but I believe we died the day he decided to give me my very first blue eye. Three years has since passed since I felt the sting of that man’s hand against my face. Three years since the day he put his hands around my neck and suffocated me. Three years since he literally wanted to kill me. Some would say it’s been long enough for me to be okay by now, for some to question why it still hurts this badly; those people clearly have never known heartache the way I have at the hand of someone they loved, I pray for their sakes they never do. There’s been many things since that “three years” but what it all comes down to is heart ache, heart break, heart wrenching & heart gutting anguish and turmoil and every other adjective to describe the falling & breaking of a woman…to a pit so deep that the light at the end of that tunnel is no where to be seen.

You see heartache is no joke, it is not something to be taken lightly, it is not something you simply “get over” or “move on” from. No…heartache is a disease that has no cure, something no doctor can medicate. There is no magic pill for this kind of shit, and so you deal with the shit in the best way you know how. I have, whether it has worked or not remains to be seen but what I can say is that the fear of having my heart ripped open again has been the sole reason for the erection of these walls {I just said erection, hahaha}; these walls that not only prevent anyone from coming close enough to hurt me, but seemingly also prevents anyone from coming close enough to make me happy. And happiness could be the very cure that I so desperately need.

A friend of his always said “the two of you have such a strong chemistry that it borders both passion and insanity”, he’d say “julle is so lief vir mekaar dat dit julle mal maak” {you guys love each other so much that it literally drives you crazy}.

I remember telling him after the break up that I wish to never speak of him again, to never have to say his name, to never have to hear it being spoken in my company…but in that same breath I also asked him “tell me how do I explain to someone what I am without doing that? How do I tell my story without sharing yours, and ours?”

The simple answer is I won’t ever have to because the right man won’t need me to explain. The pain and torment I experienced at his hand will eventually be erased by the gentleness of another’s. The words he uttered to me, will be erased by the kind words spoken off the lips of another. One day there will be another who will come to live in my heart when it’s ready to open it’s door.

So who is this “other” you may wonder; well this is what it’s been about of late; the battle of the two; the one who instantaneously broke down my walls from the day we met, the one who when I see him literally makes my heart skip a beat, taking my breath away, the one whom I just can’t seem to stay away from…yet I manage to do just that

*because then there’s The Architect, who just so happens to be someone worth writing about

**but that’s a story for another day

***happy anni{misery} & a day, to me

 

 

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Women & Relationships: When U & I become US

Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized, Woman, women

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I don’t know when this started, I think it’s always been a part of me; I have a very competitive nature. This has not proven well in my romantic relationships though, even though it reared its ugly head rather late.

I remember my very first boyfriend; he wanted me, only me. Then my second one, me too…my third, he looked at me and decided right there. Told me as such too. My fourth one was my second one, he just couldn’t stay away J

The point is: they asked. I said yes and pooof I was someone’s girlfriend. No two ways about it. It was now “us” and “we”.

What are “we” doing?

Where are “we” going?

They Invited “us”

“We” should go see that movie etc…you get my drift.

I don’t know when that stopped because when I met my now ex-husband, it was me…and 4 other girls. When I met my boyfriend after my husband it was me and an ex that would not go away…and and and {others}. I had to fight for them…why I don’t rally know, to be the winner? What was the prize? It wasn’t them. I was the fucking prize. When did I forget that I was the prize?

And now, a habit I need to break. My need to be chosen.  And my need to be the prize.

The one that hurt me, the one most of these blogs were about, the one I continue to write out of me until one day all he is is words on a page and no longer memories in my heart. Him, I wanted so badly for him to choose me; I forgot I could choose myself. I had done it before, I did it with him and now I find myself doing it again. My need to be chosen, my need to be someone’s choice; it is that need that has and I will have to admit most probably allowed to me be a fool for a bit longer than what was necessary.

The problem with being someone’s choice is that they will always question whether you were the right one. You will always try to prove that you were and still are.

If that is the case, then please don’t choose me. I don’t want to be a choice any more. I don’t want to be your choice.

I am the “without her nothing makes sense” girl.

I am the “she’s a raging fucking lunatic, but she’s my raging fucking lunatic okay” girl. And if I am not that, then I am nothing.

I will no longer settle for mediocre. I will no longer settle for once a week, for excuses, for half arsed efforts.

I will not fight to prove that I am that, that I am the one that’s just right.

I will not push aside others who want to prove to me they are, I will not be to be your only when you are not doing the same.

I will not give us the space to get to know each other when I am the only one making that space. My case will not be pleaded. This is not a game. And I don’t want to win.

What I will do however is walk away. And if you are not running behind me, I will continue walking.

Single & Waiting: But if you like each other, why aren’t you dating?

Dating, Love, Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

Dating…the word of the day! Adding the title “boyfriend” & “girlfriend”. Dating…people think it’s a good idea. Dating…it’s a no from me, for now.

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Most people know me and my current behavioural pattern, so I don’t get asked that a lot; instead I get asked “why won’t you date him, exclusively?” The answer is rather simple, I’m just not ready for a “boyfriend”.

By no means that this imply I don’t like you, or value the time we spend together, or you as a person and in no way do I think you won’t make a good boyfriend. It’s just that I have seen way too many people rush into relationships that they clearly were not ready for. Relationships are like business deals, you need to absolutely sure about it or it will fail. A boyfriend is not just a title, it is so much more, and most people today don’t get that.

Some of my friends are starting to think that I might never “date” someone again, that they will never get to meet my “boyfriend”. That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that I need to get to know this person and for them to get to know me and only once we do, we can both decide whether or not we want to become the other’s “other”, you know, the significant one, the “significant other”.

You know, there are still people out there for who dating isn’t something as simple as just liking the other, having a crush on the other, or as we say “smaaking” someone. It’s not just a way to get the other person to commit to you exclusively, to get them to not see other people, kiss other people, fuck other people…it’s not, that could happen anyway and the only difference would be is that it’s now called cheating…another label that so evidently exists when two people become the others other.

I will thus continue to take my time, because for me, being able to call someone “boyfriend” means something more than just a way to get him to not want someone else, to not want to sleep with someone else. I want someone to want to be with me so bad that they don’t want someone else, that they miss me and only me, that they can’t wait to see me, hear my voice, my laughter, smell me, kiss me and touch ME. I want to feel that at the end of the day, I can safely invest a part of my heart in that person and in return theirs, in mine.

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not being naive, trying to find a loop hole in the rule book of singledom…thinking if I don’t call someone my boyfriend it won’t hurt him if I were to fuck someone else while I’m fucking him. But who would I really be cheating if I called someone my boyfriend before I am ready to invest a part of my time and energy into them, me. I’d cheat on me. And I have been cheated on, and I know how that can hurt, and so my choice is simple. Don’t be the one to hurt yourself.

This new era singletons find themselves in, allows for relationships to form without having to describe or title what it means. This gives people the space and opportunity to be honest with their feelings, to whom ever it is they are seeing. To express how they don’t want the pressure of calling someone “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. To just be free and have fun. Because when you take the pressure away from the “title” it allows you to get to know someone without questioning whether having late night swims in lacey underwear will communicate the wrong message, but it allows you to get intimately close to that person so you can figure things out…for yourselves…at your own time.

I’m glad I haven’t slept with this one…yet…it gives us both something to look forward to, if and when the time comes and if or when we are indeed each other’s other. Or if it ever comes.

And if it doesn’t; hey, there’s no break up, there’s no hard feelings, there’s nothing, because there was no “boyfriend” and there was no “girlfriend” , because there was no title to strip.