Love & Personality: Touch my heart but don’t touch me

Dating, Love, Uncategorized


Love is not complicated, people are.

It’s kind of difficult though when the one thing you need in life is something you don’t want. Or at least, not something you want from the one who loves you.

Don’t get me wrong; I am all about massages, head rubs, playing with my finger tips {yes, that is a thing} but yet, it’s the affectionate touches that seemingly bothers me the most.

Oddly enough there were moments where touch was extremely important to me…for me to {want to}touch him and to {want to} be touched by him. These were the times I was in love, with him. Like utterly, soul shakingly, eye blindingly in love. These are the times I would remember. And these are the times that has created the basis for every other touch.

I remember times as I lied beneath him I’d feel him start at my ankle, slowly stroking my my calf with his fingers, my thigh, groping my butt {as if to say “this here, this belongs to me..and it did}. He’d make his way up from the small of my back, squeezing my shoulder before he’d stroke the entire length of my arm eventually landing his palm into mine…he’d gaze up, into my eyes and look at me with what felt like bewilderment for what he’s seeing, for what he had just felt; physically, emotionally…holding my hand with every part of our bodies touching each others’…that, that was touching.

He  was able to touch my body, my mind, my heart…because I wanted him to, because I was in love with him, and because of that I needed him to feel it, to feel that love, to feel my body that I gave to him.

Love was beautiful, I miss it though. I miss the anticipation, the electricity {literally; when we’d touch we’d shock} the corner of the mouth smile when our eyes meet from across the room, I miss the want but most importantly I miss the self I become when I am in love. Different. Who I am supposed to be.

Softer, rounded edges. More gentle, caring. But I’m also possessive, obsessive, jealous and paranoid. Until I have unlearned the latter, I cannot be the former and I cannot enjoy the touches and everything that accompanies it that I so deeply desire.

So for now, I will continue to seek other ways of receiving and demonstrating my emotions…but mostly, I wait for the day that my eyes look at another the way they looked at him, before I even knew exactly what he was going to be. Mine. Forever.








Women & Love: Reconciling the heart & mind after a heartbreak

Love, Relationships, Uncategorized
As children, we are taught that when something hurts you, to not do it again ~ touch a hot stove, you’ll burn, right? Could that lesson be following us into our adult lives in a very negative manner?
When someone breaks your trust, do you stop trusting?
When someone hurts you, do you stop talking to all human beings?
When love hurts you, do you never fall in love again?
The thing is, love in itself is pure, conflict & pain free, it is a person who hurts you, a person who used the words “I love you” countless times. It is this person who inflicts these horrible connotations that you have toward the word “love”.
Pain. Sadness. Anger. Despair. Jealousy. Possessiveness.
So what happens? At some point your brain takes over in a bid to protect your heart from these connotations and so keeping you away from love too. You don’t know it yet though. Continuing totally oblivious because it does such a good job of “protecting you” that once the healing process has completed and we have rebuilt our lives from the mess they’ve left behind, that we start to function so well without love that the need for it becomes almost non existent. Brain wins. You are safe.
But are you really? At some point, we need to allow our hearts to be free again, to love, and trust, and care. However, this is now such a challenging and slow process because the mind does not want to relinquish control because it’s job to keep you safe has almost all but taken over it’s job portfolio.
We end up doing things to push possibility & people away, we pretend not to care, to not want them around, that they’re invisible…
Some will stay a see through the bullshit. Others will leave. But no matter what their reaction, it is still us who need to realise that we can feel safe and love at the same time. That we can be safe, and be in love at the same time.
And so for me, the biggest lesson after my particularly difficult situation was learning how to reconcile my mind and my heart so that I could stop acting like I didn’t have either.

Single & Waiting: But if you like each other, why aren’t you dating?

Dating, Love, Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

Dating…the word of the day! Adding the title “boyfriend” & “girlfriend”. Dating…people think it’s a good idea. Dating…it’s a no from me, for now.

wordpress_but you like each other

Most people know me and my current behavioural pattern, so I don’t get asked that a lot; instead I get asked “why won’t you date him, exclusively?” The answer is rather simple, I’m just not ready for a “boyfriend”.

By no means that this imply I don’t like you, or value the time we spend together, or you as a person and in no way do I think you won’t make a good boyfriend. It’s just that I have seen way too many people rush into relationships that they clearly were not ready for. Relationships are like business deals, you need to absolutely sure about it or it will fail. A boyfriend is not just a title, it is so much more, and most people today don’t get that.

Some of my friends are starting to think that I might never “date” someone again, that they will never get to meet my “boyfriend”. That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that I need to get to know this person and for them to get to know me and only once we do, we can both decide whether or not we want to become the other’s “other”, you know, the significant one, the “significant other”.

You know, there are still people out there for who dating isn’t something as simple as just liking the other, having a crush on the other, or as we say “smaaking” someone. It’s not just a way to get the other person to commit to you exclusively, to get them to not see other people, kiss other people, fuck other people…it’s not, that could happen anyway and the only difference would be is that it’s now called cheating…another label that so evidently exists when two people become the others other.

I will thus continue to take my time, because for me, being able to call someone “boyfriend” means something more than just a way to get him to not want someone else, to not want to sleep with someone else. I want someone to want to be with me so bad that they don’t want someone else, that they miss me and only me, that they can’t wait to see me, hear my voice, my laughter, smell me, kiss me and touch ME. I want to feel that at the end of the day, I can safely invest a part of my heart in that person and in return theirs, in mine.

Don’t get it twisted, I’m not being naive, trying to find a loop hole in the rule book of singledom…thinking if I don’t call someone my boyfriend it won’t hurt him if I were to fuck someone else while I’m fucking him. But who would I really be cheating if I called someone my boyfriend before I am ready to invest a part of my time and energy into them, me. I’d cheat on me. And I have been cheated on, and I know how that can hurt, and so my choice is simple. Don’t be the one to hurt yourself.

This new era singletons find themselves in, allows for relationships to form without having to describe or title what it means. This gives people the space and opportunity to be honest with their feelings, to whom ever it is they are seeing. To express how they don’t want the pressure of calling someone “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. To just be free and have fun. Because when you take the pressure away from the “title” it allows you to get to know someone without questioning whether having late night swims in lacey underwear will communicate the wrong message, but it allows you to get intimately close to that person so you can figure things out…for yourselves…at your own time.

I’m glad I haven’t slept with this one…yet…it gives us both something to look forward to, if and when the time comes and if or when we are indeed each other’s other. Or if it ever comes.

And if it doesn’t; hey, there’s no break up, there’s no hard feelings, there’s nothing, because there was no “boyfriend” and there was no “girlfriend” , because there was no title to strip.

Single & Waiting: The one that woke me

Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

wordpress_the one who woke me

The last man I missed was the one who broke my heart; not only my heart but my whole body, mind and soul too. I haven’t had an emotional connection to anyone in a little over two years. Never felt the desire or need or want for anyone in particular. Never bothered me much if days or weeks went by without any contact..until this one. I miss this one, when I’m not around him. He told me again, about the first time he saw me, at {The Bikers} birthday…refer to {The Biker Ep 01, 02 & 03}. He said we never met that night, but we saw each other, and he said I looked at him as if I knew him, and he looked at me knowing he had to know me. I don’t even remember that, but he does.

I met up with him at a function last night; walked in, very late…but alas, better late than ugly. I saw him, he saw me. Then {The Biker} saw me too…it would appear I was missed {too little too late}. I think I took too long with that one and then he just came over & took me. I smiled, I was happy to see him, he shaved though…no beard. I hugged him, kissed him and ordered a water. Something about being in his presence makes me not need or even want alcohol.  But something about being in his presence and not being able to be with him was unbearable, so I left, after 45 minutes.{too many questions, too many eyes, too much history at that place} I said I have another party to go. I lied. There was no way I could have stayed there and stayed away from him. My body wouldn’t allow it. My lips just wanted his. His kisses, I want them. His skin, I want to touch it. His hands, I want to hold it. This man scares me.

He said “Are you still going {to the party}? Don’t take too long. Are you coming back?” I said “Yes, and yes”. But I lied, again. He wouldn’t have let me go. And I couldn’t stay.

Hours later. It was late; he called, I answered, he showed up. It was 3am. I got my kisses. I got to touch him. And hold his hands, when they weren’t spanking me.

*I woke up first this morning, but he’s the one that {woke}…me


Women & Love: How will I know when my heart decides to beat again?


wordpress how will i know

For the past few days it felt as though I was constantly either high or under attack, or a sick combination of the two.

Being on deadline and in “hyper mode” I tend to park all my emotions so that I can properly and professionally handle this environment of mine. Without these parking skills, I fear for my colleagues and those around me.

But also, being October, the month that represents Breast Cancer Awareness { which if you read aaaaalllll the way down, is the asshole disease I lost my mother to 13 years ago}. It is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month or Abusive Relationshits *that was not a typo* Awareness Month; another thing that has severely and I believe permanently impacted my life too.

Through all this, the death of my mother, my marriage and subsequent divorce, the abusive relationship with that narcissistic womaniser; I knew that the only reason I was able to continue with life was because I became so good at “parking” my emotions. I walked out on my marriage and straight into another relationship, well, the divorce was because of the “new” relationship. Then, a number of years when that ended, it took me 8 months before I actually realised that it was like over, not just over, but over-over. Then another 3 months before I went the “psychotic angry ex” route, and wanted to torture his soul for the rest of eternity. I cried for days, screamed for others. And now, it’s like I’m just dead.

I thought about it earlier, in my moment of stillness; being this dead inside, how will I know? How will I know when I am in love again?

So I sat earlier and I thought about it, and this is what I think might just happen:

I think I’ll smile..just smile, at him, & around him; because words would be meaningless.

Meeting him will be like hearing my favourite song and finally realising why it is my favourite. Right now it’s Jasmine Thompson’s “Ain’t nobody”. I think he’ll prefer the slow version.

I will just stare, at him. People will notice. They won’t matter. I’ll wonder what it is that he see’s in me, what he see’s when he looks at me?

I’ll stare at him and wonder how the hairs on his head frame him so beautifully and how they all just make sense. I’ll stare into his eyes, and tell him how beautiful they are. Mostly because they’re looking back at me.

I will stare at him and he’ll think I’m crazy. I’ll deny, even though I really am!

I think we won’t even bother to talk about all the shitty relationshits we were in and how every time we knew there was something missing and how we don’t feel that missing anymore. If we do tell the story’s it will simply be to let the other know that yes we have been hurt, but yes we have not given up.

We’ll wonder how we managed to live this long without each other. We won’t be able to keep our hands off each other. The need to be next to each other as strong as the need for air.

I’ll ask him why it took him so long to find me. And he’ll ask me where I had been hiding, and why. I’ll hope that when he sleeps at night it’s me he dreams of, because that’s what I do, dream of him.

I will remember everything he tells me, like the words to that favourite song; his life and mine…it fits. He fits. We fit.

I think that it’ll only be when he goes away from me that I will realise how much I need him to stay and how much I will need him to never ever do that. To never leave. To never leave me.

I think that when I see him, again, it will feel like breathing for the first time. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing we both breathe the same air, see the same moon and wish upon the same stars.

I think he will make me forget every single day that I lived without loving him, and I will forget that I was ever alone. He will make me forget every heartbreak. My heart was waiting for him, for him to come home, to me. And for me to come home, to him.

I think that is how I will know, when I feel like I am no longer alone. When I feel that I have come home.

Love & Nature: A Total Eclipse of the Heart



It must have been the partial solar eclipse, these acts of nature have a way of adjusting, even changing the world & us for that short period that we experience it.

It must have been the eclipse because for the first time in a long time I slept, peacefully, my heart was at ease and I enjoyed the hours given to me, filling it with laughter and love.

It must have been the eclipse because of all the mornings to wake up to something I wanted, it was this day. I climbed out of bed, walked to the lounge ~ the sun was out, the pool was sparkling and I could hear the kids playing music and making breakfast. I grabbed my phone, switched it on, got back into bed and waited for the updates.

The only ones that mattered were the three missed call notifications and the message that followed ~ “I thought about you last night, tried hard not to call you. When I woke up this morning with you still on my mind I knew I had to see you. I knew I had to hold you.” His need was as dire as mine. I could hear it in his voice as I read it.

It must have been the eclipse, because this was the morning that I had been waiting for.

Heartbreak & Distractions: The continuous cycle


A broken heart seeks out distractions.  Anything to keep it from feeling broken.

why him

Problem with this is that  eventually you exhaust yourself because distractions are only temporary. When the quiet sets back in, so does the pain… and then the seeking starts again.

The cycle is brutal and vicious, and my body is tired, but so is my heart.

I will never be okay with being alone, it’s simply not in my nature

The universe has decided differently, I need be alone before I can be anything else.