Love & Personality: Touch my heart but don’t touch me

Dating, Love, Uncategorized


Love is not complicated, people are.

It’s kind of difficult though when the one thing you need in life is something you don’t want. Or at least, not something you want from the one who loves you.

Don’t get me wrong; I am all about massages, head rubs, playing with my finger tips {yes, that is a thing} but yet, it’s the affectionate touches that seemingly bothers me the most.

Oddly enough there were moments where touch was extremely important to me…for me to {want to}touch him and to {want to} be touched by him. These were the times I was in love, with him. Like utterly, soul shakingly, eye blindingly in love. These are the times I would remember. And these are the times that has created the basis for every other touch.

I remember times as I lied beneath him I’d feel him start at my ankle, slowly stroking my my calf with his fingers, my thigh, groping my butt {as if to say “this here, this belongs to me..and it did}. He’d make his way up from the small of my back, squeezing my shoulder before he’d stroke the entire length of my arm eventually landing his palm into mine…he’d gaze up, into my eyes and look at me with what felt like bewilderment for what he’s seeing, for what he had just felt; physically, emotionally…holding my hand with every part of our bodies touching each others’…that, that was touching.

He  was able to touch my body, my mind, my heart…because I wanted him to, because I was in love with him, and because of that I needed him to feel it, to feel that love, to feel my body that I gave to him.

Love was beautiful, I miss it though. I miss the anticipation, the electricity {literally; when we’d touch we’d shock} the corner of the mouth smile when our eyes meet from across the room, I miss the want but most importantly I miss the self I become when I am in love. Different. Who I am supposed to be.

Softer, rounded edges. More gentle, caring. But I’m also possessive, obsessive, jealous and paranoid. Until I have unlearned the latter, I cannot be the former and I cannot enjoy the touches and everything that accompanies it that I so deeply desire.

So for now, I will continue to seek other ways of receiving and demonstrating my emotions…but mostly, I wait for the day that my eyes look at another the way they looked at him, before I even knew exactly what he was going to be. Mine. Forever.








Women & Love: Only when you know what love is not, will you find out what it really is



I don’t think I have ever truly been in love before, not the way it’s supposed to be at least. You know; the way poets describe it, the way authors write about it. Being in absolute love, not something I have ever had the privileged of being in.

Not until now that is. Well, a few months ago when I met him for the first time. I looked into his face one night {even murmured a few words} not even knowing his name but somehow everything changed. A part of me realized I found what I had been looking for. The other part of me. That thing that I was missing. He was right there.

I am different with him, in a good way. I speak differently, softer, more gentle. I behave differently, calmer. I feel differently, awake, in touch and aware. I could hold his hand and not be afraid. I can cry in front of him and be okay. I can tell him how I feel and the world wouldn’t come to an end. My heart has opened, it chose him and changed.

Missing him is not heart wrenchingly painful. There is no jealousy, no obsession, no possession. No nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach when I imagine the endless possibilities of what he is doing when i am not with him. I just feel content knowing that I breathe the same air he does. That the same sun touches both our skins in the day and the same moon lights up our sky at night. No matter where we are, I feel him as though he was next to me.

It was the oddest thing, when I realized I was in love. Weird, different. It’s so beautiful though that even though I don’t know if we will ever be together, wanting him to be happy is the only thing that matters to me. Whether it’s with me or not. *How mature is that!? We’ve had our moment and continue to have them when the world brings us together just often enough to remind us of the other. The other times however I do spend my time not waiting for him…he’s never asked me to, and I have never asked him too either…there is no expectation, there is no disappointment. I have others and I am sure he does too. Which is why I know this is real what I feel, knowing I love him, knowing I will be ready when our time comes.

Simply knowing he’s alive right now means more to me than anything and knowing that our time will come and when it comes I need to be ready to love him. I have been waiting since the start of forever for my forever and I knew my heart would find him eventually, and I knew when I did there would be no turning back. I fell in love with a man, and it was soft, and gentle; the way you fall when you fall asleep…not the way I used to do it, the way when you fall off a cliff and break all your bones and die.



Love & Heartache: My X, Y?

Break Ups, Cheating, Relationships, Uncategorized

wordpress_10 steps back

This week was the first time that I saw a photograph of him and her together, it’s been 3 years and this was the first time. I saw it once before however, but that was at a “work event’, little did I know that it had already started back then. It’s not like I went looking for it, it appeared on my TL. I never asked for it, I never even realized what it was in the beginning. Something told me to ignore it, but instead, I chose not to. I wanted them to know I know, I wanted everyone else to know my damn name.

I don’t know why I reacted the way I did. Anger.  Lots of anger. Lots. I wanted to rip his throat out and throw it at her. I wanted the earth to swallow them and take them away and hopefully with it all my feelings too.

My feelings for him. My sadness, anger, pain and despair. Why the fuck do I still love him?! Why do I convince myself that I don’t?!

Am I officially insane? This man wanted to kill me for God’s sake.

Why does seeing them together hurt me so badly?

Why do I still feel so angry and filled with rage?

Why can I just not let them be?

It’s because he lied. It’s because he cheated on me, with her. It’s because he lied. It’s because she answered his phone when I called him. It’s because he lied about her. It’s because when I asked her about I’m she said “jou pa se p&o$” as if she knew my father…as if she had a right to be angry at me…as if me asking if she’s sleeping with my boyfriend gave HER the right to be angry at me. It’s because she didn’t know me. She knew about me, from the lies he told. It’s because she didn’t know she was the other woman. It’s because he lied.He lied. To me. All the time.

Seeing that photo has taken me ten steps backwards, I’m feeling the same way this week that I did 3 years ago. The sadness, crying, headaches, insomnia; it’s all back. The pressure, tension and anxiety. The mood swings. They’re all back. Like a fucking reunion of my mixed messed up emotions.

I hate him again for doing this to me, but then I hate myself again for allowing it.

I was trying really hard, to get better. I really was. I even tried to fall in love again, I even tried to convince myself that I was. I wish I could be, that is the only way I won’t love him anymore, is if I love someone else, but I don’t want to love someone else just to stop loving him, because that’s not fair either. But I feel nothing. This is why I do what I do; in an attempt to feel something. It never works.

So I’m going to be stuck in this limbo for a while and it hurts me every day while I’m here, but I don’t know where else to go.

*The way I loved him was some kind of powerful, I’d give anything to feel that way again, but I’d give everything to feel this kind of pain again…not ever. Not ever again

Women & Love: Making love amidst the hate


I never knew what it was like to hate another until the day I started hating him.

wordpress_make love amidst the hate.jpg

It’s an over powering emotion, hatred. Rids you of everything good…I used to be kind, gentle and caring. I used to be soft and loving. I am not her anymore.I knew if I continued to harbor those negative emotions that hatred would eventually consume me, lead me into situations and exhibiting behaviors that I had never thought could be possible, that could ever be me. I lived on that roller-coaster for a little over 18 months simply trying to feel something, anything…anything other than hate and something other than sadness. So, with that being said, it has taken a while for this choice to finally be made; I’ve said it before, even believed it…but now ready to make peace with it.

I’ve made peace with no longer being in love with him, although I still love him.

I’ve made peace with not hating him…although I still fear him.

I made peace with the fact that I will eventually  “nothing him”. That I will be immune to his name, his memory. That the fear of him knowing will eventually nullify itself as I move into a better space.

Being semi-neutral toward a man that I used to have such intense and powerful emotions for, I am able to find some glimmer of hope that I can indeed move on, again. I believed this many times before, but each time to a realization that maybe no, maybe I was indeed not ready.

Being semi-neutral gives me a glimmer of hope that I can develop feelings for someone else, healthy feelings…but those glimmers of hope are short lived when my other temperaments flare up again. Jealousy, possessiveness, expectations, my short & explosive temper…you see, I’m not very nice anymore, nor am I better. I never will be better, but I can be nice again. This is my battle, the one I fight every day.

I thought I could fall in love again, I did. I thought so. I still do. I think. I even tried making love while consumed by all this hate. Making love is not exactly what I would call what I was doing, but I tried. I really did. I still do. Most days trying is all I can do.

You see, I’ve always been the one giving too many chances, overlooking red flags, but sometimes I need peace, I need the white flag for once…and some times, most of all, all I need is simply a chance too.

*And so here I am again. Indifferent. And in love. I think.

Love & Relationships: He was my one, WAS.


I think about him far too often for it to be healthy. I think about how much I loved him, what I did to be with him, what I gave up, what I lost, but also what I gained. It might seem like nothing to many people, but I gained the knowledge of what I never want again. Of what I never want to feel again, of what I never want to hear again. I gained the knowledge that love does in fact not hurt, it heals. And when it hurts, it is not love.

Our story is an amazing one, I think we were just too young when we met the first time and the second time {10 years later} was not the right time. We made ourselves believe it was though, but having something that started out wrong was bound to end wrong. And boy did it ever.

We fell into a love that you simply do not ever fully recover from. A chemistry so strong that it could be good, so good…and bad, so bad. A chemistry that many described as dangerous. And again, boy was it ever! We are over now, have been for a number of years, but in our souls we will always be each other’s other. The one that taught us more that we would like to admit, the one that hurt the other more than we could ever explain and the ones that loved each so much that it literally nearly killed them.

He is my forever, the one that will that will continue to live in a small place in the corner of my heart, mind and soul. His name tattooed on my body marking every place he ever touched. Every place his eyes ever landed. The one that will always be both my best and worst memory. He is my one. Well, was my one. That’s the only difference now. That’s the only thing that has changed.

I believe I will never love another man with the same intensity and passion with which I loved him, and that’s okay. We had a great love, when it was good it was amazing. But the bad out numbered the good nine times out of ten. He was it, until he was no more. Until he changed. Until the man I loved lived no more.

I don’t want to replace that love. I’ve used men over the last few months to replace his memory, it won’t ever work…I tried hard, I really did. It’s not fair to them and it is indeed not fair to me to continue to try and do that. It is with this epiphany that I am now able to move forward into the hope that I will in fact be okay, that I will fall in love again and that I will be loved in return. Although he will always be a part of me as I will be a part of him, trying to write his story out of me will never work. Trying has exhausted me. Even my tired is tired.

*I’m just tired. But wait…I still have a date tonight {fok}

Relationships & Moving On: The time is now


wordpress_the time is now

Without even realising it the more I healed and worked through my issues the better my behaviour has gotten. The more I dealt with what was bothering me and being open about it the less it affected my behaviour. Internalising and withholding has caused me so much trouble; because it all comes out eventually, like an erupting volcano.

I always knew it wasn’t who I am, the behaviour patterns that have been present since he left. A few people would point it out, but most of them never knew the real me so they couldn’t see it. They couldn’t see what I became. He damaged me, broke me and in their attempt to find their missing pieces the broken bits simply did the best they could. To distract me, to camouflage mm pain with drinks and parties and men…this was my defence. *Because if you think I’m a loose cannon and utterly insane, you won’t notice that I’m actually just a sad little girl trying to live with a broken heart.

I gave it some thought, as to why I thought like. It’s because we are all predisposed to believe that NOT being okay is not okay; well not being okay has led me to do some irresponsible, unsafe, reputation damaging, rude and disrespectful things. Perhaps next time, we can all just be okay with not being okay so that we can be okay a lot sooner.

Like now, I think I’m okay, most days…and on the others, I’m okay with not being okay, but I won’t let that take me down a road in attempt to feelokay {feeling wanted made me feel okay and so my need for attention and the seeking of it was part of my problem}

This is my lesson.  In my attempts to feel okay I searched outward instead of inward.

It’s taken me two years to finally start caring again, to feel that other people matter and the way they feel toward me matters too. That another person can be more than just a challenge. That another person could become by familiar. This is however the part I have dreaded, because caring can cause me to be hurt again.

*But what is love if not courageous and what is love if not fearless?

Love & Relationships: Searching for love with a broken heart ~ New Guy S01. Ep.06



Being a single woman who’s previous relationship ended in a police station and him in a jail cell, there are a few things that I will not compromise on.

I have often tried to silence my gut, there were so many red flags back then, so many I overlooked because I was completely head over heels in love with him.

Had I just paid them more attention my life would have been different, but instead I chose to ignore them and consequently became the victim to a narcissistic abusive womaniser who took my love and made it ugly. It is because of that that I am now on this journey of finding love again. A love he always said I would never find because I simply didn’t deserve to be loved. A story I ended up starting to believe.

My history had now led to my “make no compromises” rule on things that niggle my insides. And I have found this with New Guy. But are these niggly feelings just me being scared? Scared that this man actually does care, scared that what my ex said is not true and that I will be loved by someone? He may be the one I could fall in love with. But it scares me. And I don’t like being scared. When I’m scared I run. And I don’t like running either.

I have asked before, how will I know. But in order to know I need to know what love is. Do I even know what love is? I am trying though, to piece it all together and create scenarios in my mind which, I believe, will tell me that I’m in love.

I’ve said things like “falling in love is like coming home” and “falling in love is like hearing your favourite song”, but is it all of that? And if not then what is it?! And how can I even expect myself to possibly fall in love with a heart that’s still broken? Does it still work?

Why can’t I just be okay? Why is it taking so long? Why are his words not helping? He used to say all the right things, New Guy; trying to break down my walls. And it worked, a little. I also tried, harder with him that with anyone else, to open up, to get closer and to allow him to get closer. But it proved futile each time because again I would hear “you are so distant” and then I knew that my trying wasn’t helping.

He’d say “baby steps” and “I’m patient”. Today, after I said it’s best we call things off; he says “I’m in love with you, why would I give up…I’m not a quitter”. My heart sank. I said no, don’t be silly. I cried, because I know he meant it, sincerely and I don’t want to hurt him. But I cannot say it back. The idea of those words leaving my body, makes me nauseous. I can’t even think about it. I was gentle, in telling him this, I tried to not hurt him. He says he won’t give up this easily. And he says I shouldn’t either. But that’s my thing. I am a giver upper.

I want my next “I love you” to be honest and meaningful and I need it to come from a place of wholeness, not a broken place where all I can offer is bits of love. The man who hears my “I love you” deserves more than that, deserves my best, not my worst that was shoved back in my face by a man that hated me. The man that hears my “I love you” will have to wipe away my tears because I will cry, because for once the ice around my heart will have melted and it will have no other place to go but out of my eyes. tears, that’s what they call it. And if that man is New Guy, then so be it. And if he is not, then so be it too.

*I wanted to caption this “New Guy, The end”…but something tells me it isn’t.