Dating & Relationships: Words Worth Writing

Break Ups, Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

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Each time I write, the words splash pieces of myself into a place where anyone can touch them. And when I realized I wasn’t driven to pen & paper each time we were together, my heart knew it wasn’t worth it.

I think about everyone I have ever written about, the emotions tied to every word. The memory linked to each sentence. The feeling each paragraph reminds me of. I’ve been a bucket of emotions for as long as I can remember {…pity no one else knows this about me}.

Sometimes I go back to reread my very own history when I feel the memories slipping away. Sometimes I cry, other times I smile. But no matter what the emotional response, at least there are ones. With him, there was nothing, nothing worth writing about, nothing I wanted to remember, nothing worth remembering to be honest. Except that I now know that the words I love you mean nothing if not backed up by action. That three words can get cold real fast.

Why did I even let it go on this long, four and half month of being his girlfriend when I never missed him when we were apart. Never longed for his smell and touch and the sound of his laughter…never had the sense of anticipation for our next time together erupt out of me and land on my face as blushed cheeks and permanent smiles. Never did the urge to want to be next to him, to touch him, to hold his hand ever envelope me the same way I wanted his body to.

I knew this from the beginning though, that I felt nothing for him. I never did. Not in all the years we knew each other, he was never on my radar; what he turned out to be was a rebound. I never wanted to admit it, but that’s all he was. I literally needed to drink every time we were together, being sober around him was excruciating. I knew the longer it continued the more i would lose pieces of myself, and not in my words, on these pieces of digital paper…but I’d lose myself completely trying.

Be with someone worth writing about. Be with someone who makes you smile. Be with someone who’s actions don’t require the constant and sometime premature “I love you’s”…but most importantly, just be with someone you can be yourself with, your best self, the person you want to be because of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love & Personality: Touch my heart but don’t touch me

Dating, Love, Uncategorized

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Love is not complicated, people are.

It’s kind of difficult though when the one thing you need in life is something you don’t want. Or at least, not something you want from the one who loves you.

Don’t get me wrong; I am all about massages, head rubs, playing with my finger tips {yes, that is a thing} but yet, it’s the affectionate touches that seemingly bothers me the most.

Oddly enough there were moments where touch was extremely important to me…for me to {want to}touch him and to {want to} be touched by him. These were the times I was in love, with him. Like utterly, soul shakingly, eye blindingly in love. These are the times I would remember. And these are the times that has created the basis for every other touch.

I remember times as I lied beneath him I’d feel him start at my ankle, slowly stroking my my calf with his fingers, my thigh, groping my butt {as if to say “this here, this belongs to me..and it did}. He’d make his way up from the small of my back, squeezing my shoulder before he’d stroke the entire length of my arm eventually landing his palm into mine…he’d gaze up, into my eyes and look at me with what felt like bewilderment for what he’s seeing, for what he had just felt; physically, emotionally…holding my hand with every part of our bodies touching each others’…that, that was touching.

He  was able to touch my body, my mind, my heart…because I wanted him to, because I was in love with him, and because of that I needed him to feel it, to feel that love, to feel my body that I gave to him.

Love was beautiful, I miss it though. I miss the anticipation, the electricity {literally; when we’d touch we’d shock} the corner of the mouth smile when our eyes meet from across the room, I miss the want but most importantly I miss the self I become when I am in love. Different. Who I am supposed to be.

Softer, rounded edges. More gentle, caring. But I’m also possessive, obsessive, jealous and paranoid. Until I have unlearned the latter, I cannot be the former and I cannot enjoy the touches and everything that accompanies it that I so deeply desire.

So for now, I will continue to seek other ways of receiving and demonstrating my emotions…but mostly, I wait for the day that my eyes look at this one the way they looked at him, before I even knew exactly what he was going to be. Mine. Forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Women & Relationships: When expectations become the executioner of your butterflies

Relationships

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I don’t have that much experience with romantic relationships at all, well, not in the traditional sense that is.

Yes, I’ve had my fair share of lovers, some of them were pretty damn good {okay now I have a Barry White song stuck in my head} but when it comes down to it, I’ve chosen a lover countless times over a boyfriend because it’s just easier. Yes I have blamed my last relationship on my inability to move forward and have positive emotions etc, but that was a cowardly approach, because the truth is I just didn’t want to. I wanted to be free and I wanted to do what I wanted, when I wanted and with who I wanted.

The best things about a lover; no expectations, no rules, no labels…and for goodness sake no clinginess and dare I say no utterly unattractive neediness. And when you’re done with them, you move on, no break ups #bestever

There were times I thought it was what I wanted, I reached the point of being with a lover long enough to think a “next step” was needed…even if only to fulfill my frivolous need of having someone to tag in Facebook and Instagram posts, to having a permanent “plus one” because going through the tedious process of choosing a date was always just so arbitrary.

After The Architect dramatically ended things not too long ago I was all about using 2017 as my sabbatical year to just be selfish; with me, my time, my life, my stories…but I guess life decided that perhaps now would be the perfect time to send someone along, someone who finally wants me more than I want them, someone who would do anything for me as opposed to me doing everything for them…it was time though but it wasn’t expected, in fact, I never even saw it coming.

And so, here I am, after being single for three years, I find myself in a RELATIONSHIP!. An official one at that; not an imaginary one, one that I made up in my head, something was more than nothing…it’s real…he asked, I said no a few times just to keep it exciting…he kept asking and I acted more and more crazy just to test him…and no hey, he stayed, and he kept asking and eventually I thought “girl, you need to just give this one a go and for God’s sake, do it right!”.

*I can be quite convincing I must add

So eventually I said yes, and guess what {shock horror} it’s not exactly what I thought it would be. Dare I use that word “expected” again…it is not exactly what I expected it to be.

I expected an unlimited desire to want sexy time, an unquenching {not sure if this is a word} thirst for my man…I expected butterflies, jitters, nerves and a nauseatingly high need to want to throw up each time I was about to see him, but no, it was none of that, it is none of that.

Then I thought end it, this is not what you are used to, this is not what you normally feel, it’s not like all the other times…just end it. But another part of me though maybe that is the point, that it shouldn’t be like all the other times, because all the other times were disasters.

 

But not this time, he is lovely, kind, considerate and everyone likes him, I like him {enough}…and he likes me…my God, he actually likes me…through my tequila inhaling, pizza eating, potty mouth speaking ways…this man, for some ungodly reason actually likes me. And that was it, that was enough. And for now, it is enough for me to subdue my expectations before it kills something before it even had a proper chance.

{Aaaand now I have Barry White’s album on repeat…dammit}

 

….again….I should have known…my lack of feelings was the sign that just got louder and louder

Single & Winging it: Torn between two lovers

Uncategorized

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At some point it was bound to happen. The inevitability was too blatant to ignore. Feeling torn, between two lovers…not exactly where I thought I’d find myself.

I’ve always said that if a man has to choose between me and someone else, don’t choose me, and now I find myself needing to do the same. But do I?

Without diminishing any of their capacity as men, because both of them are indeed that, men. Both wonderful, confident, successful, outgoing and caring, fun, funny and very easy to be around. Yet they’re both so different and it’s those differences that will end up being my gauge of who I feel my best with and who I feel I will be able to be the best for.

Don’t get me wrong, this is in no way a competition, in fact I am the forefront of this “race”, because I need to place myself first at some point in my life.

The one does not entice or excite me more than the other.  They both make me happy and I’m happy when I am around them. It’s obvious too. There’s definite chemistry and a definite attraction. So how did this get so complicated?

Me, that’s how. By thinking I could continue my “no-attachment-no-labels-scheduling-you-and-then-just-go-away-without-any-repercussion” attitude

This situation is exactly why I wrote https://tjunxn.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/single-waiting-but-if-you-like-each-other-why-arent-you-dating because I thought if I eliminate the titles, I could trick myself into thinking it would be easy. It is easy though, with both of them. So why am I complicating it?

Because even without any attachments to either of them; besides having slept with the one and not the other…this has become difficult, for me. On the plus side, the fact that I care about their feelings shows me personal growth and the willingness to put myself in a relationship with just one person.

Even though the one rather candidly replied “Nah, we’re just winging it, see where it goes” when asked “are you an item now” while the other has told me straight up that “as long as you do not have a boyfriend, I am not going anywhere, but also, I am not ready for a relationship either”

Overthinking it has complicated it, neither one of them has claimed me. “Winging it” is not exactly a reason to desire exclusivity, although I can imagine he might not be seeing anyone else…and if he found out that I am, he may or may not be upset.

But although winging it may not be enough to make stop but neither is choosing someone who has admitted to not being ready for a relationship, when they know for a fact that I am.

So..after hours of pondering, a semi-decision has been made: I will in fact wing it, because I too want to see where it goes. I’ve waited a year dammit {albeit not alone by the phone, but you know what I mean} so I won’t purposefully go out and source more “playmates” and those that I still have around I simply will no longer play with. And I’ll tell them why too.

“There’s someone that I want to do it right with. And he deserves more than me going around, still seeing you”

*That was more than i would ever have said a year ago