Women & Dating: Love is Blind…

Dating, Love, Uncategorized, Woman, women

Someone once told me that I am a walking, breathing example of the phrase Love is blind.You have such amazing intuition, you give really good advice and you can read people better than anyone I know

What’s your point?” I asked. “Then why when you fall in love does all of this go to shit?!”

I gave that some thought and realised that he was 100% right. It’s not love that’s blind, it’s quite simply that love blinds me.

It makes me tolerable of things I would otherwise deem unacceptable. It makes me stay around for a lot longer than I normally would and it definitely makes me fight FOR things I would usually fight ABOUT.

So it’s not surprising that I found myself in this exact situation not too long ago, where I thought I might have fallen in love, the fact was I didn’t, but I could have.

I somehow always knew from the beginning that this was a circus and he was the ring leader;  waving around so many red flags I had to be blind NOT to see it.

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In hindsight, I’m glad I blocked myself off to those red flags because it allowed me to just go with the flow and experience it for what it was…a lesson…another blady lesson. And quite frankly, if this was indeed a circus, I was only here for the kissing booth anyway….

But wait, I digress…he allowed me to be vulnerable, even though I resisted. It was something I haven’t allowed myself to be in a very long time. I needed him, it, all of it, and I needed to be blind to see that.

So when it ended and I finally snapped out of the love spell I was under, I realised that he had a pattern and it will always be the same with him and whoever he chooses next and because of this; he will most likely never be happy, at least not in the way he expects to.

This made it a lot easier to stay away from him when things ended. It made it easier letting go of the illusion. I cried though, a little {okay that’s a lie, a lot} and I’d be lying if I said it was easy knowing he was with someone new {so soon after me}; speaking to her the way he spoke to me, looking at her the way he looked at me. But it helped and for almost 8 weeks I never saw him, spoke to him, texted him…until a few days ago.

My eyes really do enjoying looking at him. But this time I’m seeing everything. Like how he seems all over the place yet nowhere in particular. How he imagines situations that he believes will make him happy, when all along he was all he ever needed.

How he doesn’t see this is beyond me.  How he doesn’t realise how amazing he is…so amazing that he actually doesn’t need anyone’s validation.

He told his sister “She doesn’t even need me. I don’t feel that she needs me, I feel like I’m not good enough for her. She really doesn’t need anyone”.

If only he knew that everything he was was exactly what I needed. And how I would love to tell him every single thing he meant to me since the moment we met, how what I needed wasn’t what he was used to; girls needing things like parties, weekends away, lifts, gifts.

If I was the epitome of “love is blind” then he was the epitome of  “when you’re hurting, you should be healing not dating” and a host of other clichès as well.  But he’s never healed, and so he’s never learnt.

I love knowing that he was all I needed, not his things, not what he had…just him. In my blindness I was fine with being “just another one” to him, because in this story he wasn’t “just another one” to me…I needed him, and he’ll never know it, because I will never tell him.

He’s changed me. In fact he said this “look at what I did to you…” to which I replied “what? made me soft?” …he smiled and gave me that look that would usually result in our clothes being ripped off. But alas. {we’re friends now, and friends don’t do that…apparently}

But he has, he’s made it okay for me to be softer, kinder and more affectionate. I’m still the alpha though, let’s not get that twisted. But I am more open about my feelings, wants and my needs. His touch made me want to be touched. And the way he spoke to me; he’s made me realize that if no one ever speaks to me that way again I will miss it, because I loved it. But mostly I love how he’s changed the way I think about men and how I need to treat them too.

Honesty was always what we found most refreshing about the other, so when that honesty was used to end things, it made it okay…besides, I could never be angry with this man, never.

So I would love nothing more than to tell him these things you know, and I will. But the words never seem to make their way out my mouth. And even though I never say it, I know he sees it on my face. He says “your emotions sit right there you know, I can see it” and even when I lie and try to dismiss things and emotions he says “You are such a bad liar!”

***I couldn’t hide it even if I tried ***

My blinkers might be off, but knowing that I love him without being in love with him {this is still debatable though} shifts me into a whole new place in his life and him in mine. A place we both seem to enjoy. A place where I really hope we can stay.

We will never be together romantically again, I have no intention of going blind again, and being in his life as his friend seems to be the reason we found each other. Because I think he might also be blind…and perhaps my role is remove his blinkers so that he can see how amazing he is and that if he just stops chasing the idea of love, it will eventually make its way to him…the way I did.

 

 

 

 

 

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Women & Love: Making love amidst the hate

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I never knew what it was like to hate another until the day I started hating him.

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It’s an over powering emotion, hatred. Rids you of everything good…I used to be kind, gentle and caring. I used to be soft and loving. I am not her anymore.I knew if I continued to harbor those negative emotions that hatred would eventually consume me, lead me into situations and exhibiting behaviors that I had never thought could be possible, that could ever be me. I lived on that roller-coaster for a little over 18 months simply trying to feel something, anything…anything other than hate and something other than sadness. So, with that being said, it has taken a while for this choice to finally be made; I’ve said it before, even believed it…but now ready to make peace with it.

I’ve made peace with no longer being in love with him, although I still love him.

I’ve made peace with not hating him…although I still fear him.

I made peace with the fact that I will eventually  “nothing him”. That I will be immune to his name, his memory. That the fear of him knowing will eventually nullify itself as I move into a better space.

Being semi-neutral toward a man that I used to have such intense and powerful emotions for, I am able to find some glimmer of hope that I can indeed move on, again. I believed this many times before, but each time to a realization that maybe no, maybe I was indeed not ready.

Being semi-neutral gives me a glimmer of hope that I can develop feelings for someone else, healthy feelings…but those glimmers of hope are short lived when my other temperaments flare up again. Jealousy, possessiveness, expectations, my short & explosive temper…you see, I’m not very nice anymore, nor am I better. I never will be better, but I can be nice again. This is my battle, the one I fight every day.

I thought I could fall in love again, I did. I thought so. I still do. I think. I even tried making love while consumed by all this hate. Making love is not exactly what I would call what I was doing, but I tried. I really did. I still do. Most days trying is all I can do.

You see, I’ve always been the one giving too many chances, overlooking red flags, but sometimes I need peace, I need the white flag for once…and some times, most of all, all I need is simply a chance too.

*And so here I am again. Indifferent. And in love. I think.

Love & Relationships: He was my one, WAS.

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I think about him far too often for it to be healthy. I think about how much I loved him, what I did to be with him, what I gave up, what I lost, but also what I gained. It might seem like nothing to many people, but I gained the knowledge of what I never want again. Of what I never want to feel again, of what I never want to hear again. I gained the knowledge that love does in fact not hurt, it heals. And when it hurts, it is not love.

Our story is an amazing one, I think we were just too young when we met the first time and the second time {10 years later} was not the right time. We made ourselves believe it was though, but having something that started out wrong was bound to end wrong. And boy did it ever.

We fell into a love that you simply do not ever fully recover from. A chemistry so strong that it could be good, so good…and bad, so bad. A chemistry that many described as dangerous. And again, boy was it ever! We are over now, have been for a number of years, but in our souls we will always be each other’s other. The one that taught us more that we would like to admit, the one that hurt the other more than we could ever explain and the ones that loved each so much that it literally nearly killed them.

He is my forever, the one that will that will continue to live in a small place in the corner of my heart, mind and soul. His name tattooed on my body marking every place he ever touched. Every place his eyes ever landed. The one that will always be both my best and worst memory. He is my one. Well, was my one. That’s the only difference now. That’s the only thing that has changed.

I believe I will never love another man with the same intensity and passion with which I loved him, and that’s okay. We had a great love, when it was good it was amazing. But the bad out numbered the good nine times out of ten. He was it, until he was no more. Until he changed. Until the man I loved lived no more.

I don’t want to replace that love. I’ve used men over the last few months to replace his memory, it won’t ever work…I tried hard, I really did. It’s not fair to them and it is indeed not fair to me to continue to try and do that. It is with this epiphany that I am now able to move forward into the hope that I will in fact be okay, that I will fall in love again and that I will be loved in return. Although he will always be a part of me as I will be a part of him, trying to write his story out of me will never work. Trying has exhausted me. Even my tired is tired.

*I’m just tired. But wait…I still have a date tonight {fok}

Single & Winging it: Torn between two lovers

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At some point it was bound to happen. The inevitability was too blatant to ignore. Feeling torn, between two lovers…not exactly where I thought I’d find myself.

I’ve always said that if a man has to choose between me and someone else, don’t choose me, and now I find myself needing to do the same. But do I?

Without diminishing any of their capacity as men, because both of them are indeed that, men. Both wonderful, confident, successful, outgoing and caring, fun, funny and very easy to be around. Yet they’re both so different and it’s those differences that will end up being my gauge of who I feel my best with and who I feel I will be able to be the best for.

Don’t get me wrong, this is in no way a competition, in fact I am the forefront of this “race”, because I need to place myself first at some point in my life.

The one does not entice or excite me more than the other.  They both make me happy and I’m happy when I am around them. It’s obvious too. There’s definite chemistry and a definite attraction. So how did this get so complicated?

Me, that’s how. By thinking I could continue my “no-attachment-no-labels-scheduling-you-and-then-just-go-away-without-any-repercussion” attitude

This situation is exactly why I wrote https://tjunxn.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/single-waiting-but-if-you-like-each-other-why-arent-you-dating because I thought if I eliminate the titles, I could trick myself into thinking it would be easy. It is easy though, with both of them. So why am I complicating it?

Because even without any attachments to either of them; besides having slept with the one and not the other…this has become difficult, for me. On the plus side, the fact that I care about their feelings shows me personal growth and the willingness to put myself in a relationship with just one person.

Even though the one rather candidly replied “Nah, we’re just winging it, see where it goes” when asked “are you an item now” while the other has told me straight up that “as long as you do not have a boyfriend, I am not going anywhere, but also, I am not ready for a relationship either”

Overthinking it has complicated it, neither one of them has claimed me. “Winging it” is not exactly a reason to desire exclusivity, although I can imagine he might not be seeing anyone else…and if he found out that I am, he may or may not be upset.

But although winging it may not be enough to make stop but neither is choosing someone who has admitted to not being ready for a relationship, when they know for a fact that I am.

So..after hours of pondering, a semi-decision has been made: I will in fact wing it, because I too want to see where it goes. I’ve waited a year dammit {albeit not alone by the phone, but you know what I mean} so I won’t purposefully go out and source more “playmates” and those that I still have around I simply will no longer play with. And I’ll tell them why too.

“There’s someone that I want to do it right with. And he deserves more than me going around, still seeing you”

*That was more than i would ever have said a year ago

 

Single & Waiting: The one that woke me

Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

wordpress_the one who woke me

The last man I missed was the one who broke my heart; not only my heart but my whole body, mind and soul too. I haven’t had an emotional connection to anyone in a little over two years. Never felt the desire or need or want for anyone in particular. Never bothered me much if days or weeks went by without any contact..until this one. I miss this one, when I’m not around him. He told me again, about the first time he saw me, at {The Bikers} birthday…refer to {The Biker Ep 01, 02 & 03}. He said we never met that night, but we saw each other, and he said I looked at him as if I knew him, and he looked at me knowing he had to know me. I don’t even remember that, but he does.

I met up with him at a function last night; walked in, very late…but alas, better late than ugly. I saw him, he saw me. Then {The Biker} saw me too…it would appear I was missed {too little too late}. I think I took too long with that one and then he just came over & took me. I smiled, I was happy to see him, he shaved though…no beard. I hugged him, kissed him and ordered a water. Something about being in his presence makes me not need or even want alcohol.  But something about being in his presence and not being able to be with him was unbearable, so I left, after 45 minutes.{too many questions, too many eyes, too much history at that place} I said I have another party to go. I lied. There was no way I could have stayed there and stayed away from him. My body wouldn’t allow it. My lips just wanted his. His kisses, I want them. His skin, I want to touch it. His hands, I want to hold it. This man scares me.

He said “Are you still going {to the party}? Don’t take too long. Are you coming back?” I said “Yes, and yes”. But I lied, again. He wouldn’t have let me go. And I couldn’t stay.

Hours later. It was late; he called, I answered, he showed up. It was 3am. I got my kisses. I got to touch him. And hold his hands, when they weren’t spanking me.

*I woke up first this morning, but he’s the one that {woke}…me

 

Single & Dating: The New Guy & an almost ending S01. Ep02

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I’m going to relay a conversation I had with someone that made me realize something I hadn’t before. That although I keep running away from affection, someone keeps shifting the finishing line to the other side…life has a way of giving you what you need, even if you have not yet realized it. Thing is, life also thinks I need water, I prefer vodka.

New Guy, I have made up several excuses for us to stop seeing each other including adjusting my attitude toward the negative and adding the fact that he does not eat bacon to them.

This is what ensued…

Him: I am trying though

Me: Trying? With?

Him: To be there for you and with you, but you got these walls up which is also a bit off putting

*at this point I got annoyed. 

Me: I can’t say I am sorry, because I won’t apologise for that

Him: Don’t apologise, that’s who you are, and it is what you have to deal with

Me: Then maybe you should just stop trying

Him: A little is better than nothing, and I don’t give up that easily

Me: So I never chased you away yet?

Him: No. You didn’t. You tried. But you didn’t. Are you still trying?

Me: It happens without me trying.

Him: Then don’t let it

Me: Ok. It’s just that you don’t really know me. I am not a very nice person.

Him: I know enough. I know what you went through. And why you are switched off to affection and being affectionate.

Me: I just want everyone to think I’m happy. Less questions

Him: I want you to know you are happy, not think that you are. 

Me: Indeed

Him: Also, tell me what you want. And don’t want. 

Me: *thinking, “I don’t think I want you”

…..this conversation continued for a bit, but it was at this point that I realized this man in fact is stringing letters together to make up words with no substance…it’s not backed up by effort. Yes he is busy, yes he’s travelling for work, so physical effort is not entirely possible, but still.

Are my expectations too high?

Even though he says “effort should come from both sides” strangely so, because I have had him over on several occasions to “hang out” which, if you read my previous blog “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT”  yet I can’t even get invited to the fucking Brian McKnight concert as a date, which again, if you read my previous blog “I DO HAVE TIME FOR THAT.” I was upset by this and thought it a good enough reason to just cut ties. But then again, anything for me is a good enough reason.

I can’t deal another lazy and selfish wordsmith. So I will continue to find hiding places hoping they stop finding me. This one, he keeps finding me. He will count to 10 and I might be gone again….but then, he finds me…AGAIN!

*I was never good at playing Hide n Seek anyway

Love & Nature: A Total Eclipse of the Heart

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It must have been the partial solar eclipse, these acts of nature have a way of adjusting, even changing the world & us for that short period that we experience it.

It must have been the eclipse because for the first time in a long time I slept, peacefully, my heart was at ease and I enjoyed the hours given to me, filling it with laughter and love.

It must have been the eclipse because of all the mornings to wake up to something I wanted, it was this day. I climbed out of bed, walked to the lounge ~ the sun was out, the pool was sparkling and I could hear the kids playing music and making breakfast. I grabbed my phone, switched it on, got back into bed and waited for the updates.

The only ones that mattered were the three missed call notifications and the message that followed ~ “I thought about you last night, tried hard not to call you. When I woke up this morning with you still on my mind I knew I had to see you. I knew I had to hold you.” His need was as dire as mine. I could hear it in his voice as I read it.

It must have been the eclipse, because this was the morning that I had been waiting for.