I never knew what it was like to hate another until the day I started hating him.
It’s an over powering emotion, hatred. Rids you of everything good…I used to be kind, gentle and caring. I used to be soft and loving. I am not her anymore.I knew if I continued to harbor those negative emotions that hatred would eventually consume me, lead me into situations and exhibiting behaviors that I had never thought could be possible, that could ever be me. I lived on that roller-coaster for a little over 18 months simply trying to feel something, anything…anything other than hate and something other than sadness. So, with that being said, it has taken a while for this choice to finally be made; I’ve said it before, even believed it…but now ready to make peace with it.
I’ve made peace with no longer being in love with him, although I still love him.
I’ve made peace with not hating him…although I still fear him.
I made peace with the fact that I will eventually “nothing him”. That I will be immune to his name, his memory. That the fear of him knowing will eventually nullify itself as I move into a better space.
Being semi-neutral toward a man that I used to have such intense and powerful emotions for, I am able to find some glimmer of hope that I can indeed move on, again. I believed this many times before, but each time to a realization that maybe no, maybe I was indeed not ready.
Being semi-neutral gives me a glimmer of hope that I can develop feelings for someone else, healthy feelings…but those glimmers of hope are short lived when my other temperaments flare up again. Jealousy, possessiveness, expectations, my short & explosive temper…you see, I’m not very nice anymore, nor am I better. I never will be better, but I can be nice again. This is my battle, the one I fight every day.
I thought I could fall in love again, I did. I thought so. I still do. I think. I even tried making love while consumed by all this hate. Making love is not exactly what I would call what I was doing, but I tried. I really did. I still do. Most days trying is all I can do.
You see, I’ve always been the one giving too many chances, overlooking red flags, but sometimes I need peace, I need the white flag for once…and some times, most of all, all I need is simply a chance too.
*And so here I am again. Indifferent. And in love. I think.