Women & Love: Making love amidst the hate

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I never knew what it was like to hate another until the day I started hating him.

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It’s an over powering emotion, hatred. Rids you of everything good…I used to be kind, gentle and caring. I used to be soft and loving. I am not her anymore.I knew if I continued to harbor those negative emotions that hatred would eventually consume me, lead me into situations and exhibiting behaviors that I had never thought could be possible, that could ever be me. I lived on that roller-coaster for a little over 18 months simply trying to feel something, anything…anything other than hate and something other than sadness. So, with that being said, it has taken a while for this choice to finally be made; I’ve said it before, even believed it…but now ready to make peace with it.

I’ve made peace with no longer being in love with him, although I still love him.

I’ve made peace with not hating him…although I still fear him.

I made peace with the fact that I will eventually  “nothing him”. That I will be immune to his name, his memory. That the fear of him knowing will eventually nullify itself as I move into a better space.

Being semi-neutral toward a man that I used to have such intense and powerful emotions for, I am able to find some glimmer of hope that I can indeed move on, again. I believed this many times before, but each time to a realization that maybe no, maybe I was indeed not ready.

Being semi-neutral gives me a glimmer of hope that I can develop feelings for someone else, healthy feelings…but those glimmers of hope are short lived when my other temperaments flare up again. Jealousy, possessiveness, expectations, my short & explosive temper…you see, I’m not very nice anymore, nor am I better. I never will be better, but I can be nice again. This is my battle, the one I fight every day.

I thought I could fall in love again, I did. I thought so. I still do. I think. I even tried making love while consumed by all this hate. Making love is not exactly what I would call what I was doing, but I tried. I really did. I still do. Most days trying is all I can do.

You see, I’ve always been the one giving too many chances, overlooking red flags, but sometimes I need peace, I need the white flag for once…and some times, most of all, all I need is simply a chance too.

*And so here I am again. Indifferent. And in love. I think.

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Love & Relationships: He was my one, WAS.

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I think about him far too often for it to be healthy. I think about how much I loved him, what I did to be with him, what I gave up, what I lost, but also what I gained. It might seem like nothing to many people, but I gained the knowledge of what I never want again. Of what I never want to feel again, of what I never want to hear again. I gained the knowledge that love does in fact not hurt, it heals. And when it hurts, it is not love.

Our story is an amazing one, I think we were just too young when we met the first time and the second time {10 years later} was not the right time. We made ourselves believe it was though, but having something that started out wrong was bound to end wrong. And boy did it ever.

We fell into a love that you simply do not ever fully recover from. A chemistry so strong that it could be good, so good…and bad, so bad. A chemistry that many described as dangerous. And again, boy was it ever! We are over now, have been for a number of years, but in our souls we will always be each other’s other. The one that taught us more that we would like to admit, the one that hurt the other more than we could ever explain and the ones that loved each so much that it literally nearly killed them.

He is my forever, the one that will that will continue to live in a small place in the corner of my heart, mind and soul. His name tattooed on my body marking every place he ever touched. Every place his eyes ever landed. The one that will always be both my best and worst memory. He is my one. Well, was my one. That’s the only difference now. That’s the only thing that has changed.

I believe I will never love another man with the same intensity and passion with which I loved him, and that’s okay. We had a great love, when it was good it was amazing. But the bad out numbered the good nine times out of ten. He was it, until he was no more. Until he changed. Until the man I loved lived no more.

I don’t want to replace that love. I’ve used men over the last few months to replace his memory, it won’t ever work…I tried hard, I really did. It’s not fair to them and it is indeed not fair to me to continue to try and do that. It is with this epiphany that I am now able to move forward into the hope that I will in fact be okay, that I will fall in love again and that I will be loved in return. Although he will always be a part of me as I will be a part of him, trying to write his story out of me will never work. Trying has exhausted me. Even my tired is tired.

*I’m just tired. But wait…I still have a date tonight {fok}

Single & Winging it: Torn between two lovers

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At some point it was bound to happen. The inevitability was too blatant to ignore. Feeling torn, between two lovers…not exactly where I thought I’d find myself.

I’ve always said that if a man has to choose between me and someone else, don’t choose me, and now I find myself needing to do the same. But do I?

Without diminishing any of their capacity as men, because both of them are indeed that, men. Both wonderful, confident, successful, outgoing and caring, fun, funny and very easy to be around. Yet they’re both so different and it’s those differences that will end up being my gauge of who I feel my best with and who I feel I will be able to be the best for.

Don’t get me wrong, this is in no way a competition, in fact I am the forefront of this “race”, because I need to place myself first at some point in my life.

The one does not entice or excite me more than the other.  They both make me happy and I’m happy when I am around them. It’s obvious too. There’s definite chemistry and a definite attraction. So how did this get so complicated?

Me, that’s how. By thinking I could continue my “no-attachment-no-labels-scheduling-you-and-then-just-go-away-without-any-repercussion” attitude

This situation is exactly why I wrote https://tjunxn.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/single-waiting-but-if-you-like-each-other-why-arent-you-dating because I thought if I eliminate the titles, I could trick myself into thinking it would be easy. It is easy though, with both of them. So why am I complicating it?

Because even without any attachments to either of them; besides having slept with the one and not the other…this has become difficult, for me. On the plus side, the fact that I care about their feelings shows me personal growth and the willingness to put myself in a relationship with just one person.

Even though the one rather candidly replied “Nah, we’re just winging it, see where it goes” when asked “are you an item now” while the other has told me straight up that “as long as you do not have a boyfriend, I am not going anywhere, but also, I am not ready for a relationship either”

Overthinking it has complicated it, neither one of them has claimed me. “Winging it” is not exactly a reason to desire exclusivity, although I can imagine he might not be seeing anyone else…and if he found out that I am, he may or may not be upset.

But although winging it may not be enough to make stop but neither is choosing someone who has admitted to not being ready for a relationship, when they know for a fact that I am.

So..after hours of pondering, a semi-decision has been made: I will in fact wing it, because I too want to see where it goes. I’ve waited a year dammit {albeit not alone by the phone, but you know what I mean} so I won’t purposefully go out and source more “playmates” and those that I still have around I simply will no longer play with. And I’ll tell them why too.

“There’s someone that I want to do it right with. And he deserves more than me going around, still seeing you”

*That was more than i would ever have said a year ago

 

Single & Waiting: The one that woke me

Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

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The last man I missed was the one who broke my heart; not only my heart but my whole body, mind and soul too. I haven’t had an emotional connection to anyone in a little over two years. Never felt the desire or need or want for anyone in particular. Never bothered me much if days or weeks went by without any contact..until this one. I miss this one, when I’m not around him. He told me again, about the first time he saw me, at {The Bikers} birthday…refer to {The Biker Ep 01, 02 & 03}. He said we never met that night, but we saw each other, and he said I looked at him as if I knew him, and he looked at me knowing he had to know me. I don’t even remember that, but he does.

I met up with him at a function last night; walked in, very late…but alas, better late than ugly. I saw him, he saw me. Then {The Biker} saw me too…it would appear I was missed {too little too late}. I think I took too long with that one and then he just came over & took me. I smiled, I was happy to see him, he shaved though…no beard. I hugged him, kissed him and ordered a water. Something about being in his presence makes me not need or even want alcohol.  But something about being in his presence and not being able to be with him was unbearable, so I left, after 45 minutes.{too many questions, too many eyes, too much history at that place} I said I have another party to go. I lied. There was no way I could have stayed there and stayed away from him. My body wouldn’t allow it. My lips just wanted his. His kisses, I want them. His skin, I want to touch it. His hands, I want to hold it. This man scares me.

He said “Are you still going {to the party}? Don’t take too long. Are you coming back?” I said “Yes, and yes”. But I lied, again. He wouldn’t have let me go. And I couldn’t stay.

Hours later. It was late; he called, I answered, he showed up. It was 3am. I got my kisses. I got to touch him. And hold his hands, when they weren’t spanking me.

*I woke up first this morning, but he’s the one that {woke}…me

 

Single & Dating: The New Guy & an almost ending S01. Ep02

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I’m going to relay a conversation I had with someone that made me realize something I hadn’t before. That although I keep running away from affection, someone keeps shifting the finishing line to the other side…life has a way of giving you what you need, even if you have not yet realized it. Thing is, life also thinks I need water, I prefer vodka.

New Guy, I have made up several excuses for us to stop seeing each other including adjusting my attitude toward the negative and adding the fact that he does not eat bacon to them.

This is what ensued…

Him: I am trying though

Me: Trying? With?

Him: To be there for you and with you, but you got these walls up which is also a bit off putting

*at this point I got annoyed. 

Me: I can’t say I am sorry, because I won’t apologise for that

Him: Don’t apologise, that’s who you are, and it is what you have to deal with

Me: Then maybe you should just stop trying

Him: A little is better than nothing, and I don’t give up that easily

Me: So I never chased you away yet?

Him: No. You didn’t. You tried. But you didn’t. Are you still trying?

Me: It happens without me trying.

Him: Then don’t let it

Me: Ok. It’s just that you don’t really know me. I am not a very nice person.

Him: I know enough. I know what you went through. And why you are switched off to affection and being affectionate.

Me: I just want everyone to think I’m happy. Less questions

Him: I want you to know you are happy, not think that you are. 

Me: Indeed

Him: Also, tell me what you want. And don’t want. 

Me: *thinking, “I don’t think I want you”

…..this conversation continued for a bit, but it was at this point that I realized this man in fact is stringing letters together to make up words with no substance…it’s not backed up by effort. Yes he is busy, yes he’s travelling for work, so physical effort is not entirely possible, but still.

Are my expectations too high?

Even though he says “effort should come from both sides” strangely so, because I have had him over on several occasions to “hang out” which, if you read my previous blog “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT”  yet I can’t even get invited to the fucking Brian McKnight concert as a date, which again, if you read my previous blog “I DO HAVE TIME FOR THAT.” I was upset by this and thought it a good enough reason to just cut ties. But then again, anything for me is a good enough reason.

I can’t deal another lazy and selfish wordsmith. So I will continue to find hiding places hoping they stop finding me. This one, he keeps finding me. He will count to 10 and I might be gone again….but then, he finds me…AGAIN!

*I was never good at playing Hide n Seek anyway

Love & Nature: A Total Eclipse of the Heart

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It must have been the partial solar eclipse, these acts of nature have a way of adjusting, even changing the world & us for that short period that we experience it.

It must have been the eclipse because for the first time in a long time I slept, peacefully, my heart was at ease and I enjoyed the hours given to me, filling it with laughter and love.

It must have been the eclipse because of all the mornings to wake up to something I wanted, it was this day. I climbed out of bed, walked to the lounge ~ the sun was out, the pool was sparkling and I could hear the kids playing music and making breakfast. I grabbed my phone, switched it on, got back into bed and waited for the updates.

The only ones that mattered were the three missed call notifications and the message that followed ~ “I thought about you last night, tried hard not to call you. When I woke up this morning with you still on my mind I knew I had to see you. I knew I had to hold you.” His need was as dire as mine. I could hear it in his voice as I read it.

It must have been the eclipse, because this was the morning that I had been waiting for.

Love & Friendship: The bacon to my eggs ~ a lover, a friend

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Two people, whether or not they know it, were sent to each other for many reasons. He makes me better, I am honest with him, open and comfortable. Being around him is definitely ten times better than being away from him.

It’s sweet, I’ve never had this before. Yes he is a man. Yes he is my friend. And yes, he had the privilege of exploring me. To my core.

I met this one earlier this year and we’ve spoken every day since. Not one day has gone by without us talking. It’s fucking ridiculous. To imagine my life without him in it. Unthinkable.

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I’ve spoken about him before, I refer to him as my Magician. I am still not entirely sure of the circumstance that led him to send a friend request…guys, rum, cars…dares…you know…the usual. I’m glad he did.

I will admit again, that I am very glad he did. And I am very glad I accepted.

In the beginning, it was just two people getting to know the other. Until one night, it would appear I peeked his interest, an interest into a world of what can only be described as intriguing.  Very.

It wasn’t too long before I got the first invite, a small do on a Friday night with a few friends, I ended up tequilaring the fuck of my evening. And boom. Yeah. Refer to my previous blog to familiarize with what ensued.

That’s when the late night visits began. Behind the scenes. But the night time visits turned into day time, turned into gatherings with a whole bunch of his friends…some of whom I know, most of whom I didn’t. Turned into birthday party invites with both me and my kidlet. Friday night whilst his daughter was home wine drinking. Saturday afternoon pop in’s…all of which lead to some sexual encounter, because they are just oh so much fun. Oh so much. Fun.  And then last night, a casual supper with both mine and his kid present with absolutely no sexual contact what so ever. Just normal. Us. Kids. In a room full of people. Oh how we have progressed. So mature. Such adults. It’s a thing.

But that’s what friends do right? Adults? We share meals. Tell each other about our lives. Get to know their families and their kids? Stay fully clothed?

I have no doubt that is what we are, friends, if perhaps “lovers” too…nothing more, nothing less. I will call myself blessed to have been given him. And I don’t say that often.

I love this man, in a weird way that I only I can. I want him to be happy, to find love again because he has been broken too. It’s as though we have used our broken bits and patched the other with them. And they seem to fit.

This sounds like friendship to me. The benefits aren’t bad either.