Love & Personality: Touch my heart but don’t touch me

Dating, Love, Uncategorized

wordpress_touch

Love is not complicated, people are.

It’s kind of difficult though when the one thing you need in life is something you don’t want. Or at least, not something you want from the one who loves you.

Don’t get me wrong; I am all about massages, head rubs, playing with my finger tips {yes, that is a thing} but yet, it’s the affectionate touches that seemingly bothers me the most.

Oddly enough there were moments where touch was extremely important to me…for me to {want to}touch him and to {want to} be touched by him. These were the times I was in love, with him. Like utterly, soul shakingly, eye blindingly in love. These are the times I would remember. And these are the times that has created the basis for every other touch.

I remember times as I lied beneath him I’d feel him start at my ankle, slowly stroking my my calf with his fingers, my thigh, groping my butt {as if to say “this here, this belongs to me..and it did}. He’d make his way up from the small of my back, squeezing my shoulder before he’d stroke the entire length of my arm eventually landing his palm into mine…he’d gaze up, into my eyes and look at me with what felt like bewilderment for what he’s seeing, for what he had just felt; physically, emotionally…holding my hand with every part of our bodies touching each others’…that, that was touching.

He  was able to touch my body, my mind, my heart…because I wanted him to, because I was in love with him, and because of that I needed him to feel it, to feel that love, to feel my body that I gave to him.

Love was beautiful, I miss it though. I miss the anticipation, the electricity {literally; when we’d touch we’d shock} the corner of the mouth smile when our eyes meet from across the room, I miss the want but most importantly I miss the self I become when I am in love. Different. Who I am supposed to be.

Softer, rounded edges. More gentle, caring. But I’m also possessive, obsessive, jealous and paranoid. Until I have unlearned the latter, I cannot be the former and I cannot enjoy the touches and everything that accompanies it that I so deeply desire.

So for now, I will continue to seek other ways of receiving and demonstrating my emotions…but mostly, I wait for the day that my eyes look at another the way they looked at him, before I even knew exactly what he was going to be. Mine. Forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Strangers & Friendship: The enivitable meeting of a stranger

Uncategorized

strangers

There are many people in my life that has left me with valuable golden nuggets, these people however have known me for years and so it is not at all difficult for them to direct and advise me based on my past, personality and habits…given that they know me really well.

My surprise comes in when these golden nuggets are left with me by complete strangers.

Less and less am I surprised by these though as I have made a conscious decision to open myself up to people, all kinds… (well…ideally not old, grandpa like, psychotic criminals, who have no digital footprint at all…) the rest…ja they will do.

It is these strangers that point out things to me about myself that I have either never acknowledged or never accepted. You see, it’s a great game I play, denial.

These strangers have nothing to gain and nothing to lose by sharing this honesty with me, I however have everything to gain by listening, acknowledging, accepting and implementing.

These insights to myself are key on my journey to self love, healing and inner peace. It is key to change my current way of life, to rid myself of the doubt, distrust, anger and sadness that comes and goes in waves.

Strip away all the labels and what we all are human beings, with the only commonality but to love, naturally, ourselves & others.

I value these lessons taught to me by these strangers, especially when they come so beautifully packaged and serve me wine…and kiss my neck…