Sex & Relationships: The ultimate act of surrender S.01 The Finale

Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

Patience is a virtue. My body is aching. My memory is intact. I am happy.”

wordpress_thearchitectI was happy at the idea of a next one, of a new relationship at some point, I was happy and very okay with moving on. The Architect had been popping up in a number of my blogs and truth be told, this will most likely be the last.

After taking us a year to gather up the courage, albeit Dutch courage, to kiss each other…it would appear whatever was happening between the two of us has finally ended. But when I see him, when we’re at a place together, it’s like we can’t keep our eyes off each other. I catch him staring at me; and the only reason I see it is because I’m staring at him too…from across the bar, the dance floor, the room, wherever he is…that’s where my eyes are. I manage to crack a smile and then I don’t know what to do, so I look away, I turn away and I walk away. As I walk away I look into the face of his ex-girlfriend who always seems to find her fucking way to events he will be at and I can’t help but think that she is it. She is the reason. The reason I will never be given, the reason for his elusiveness and lack of comprehension.

I’m just too old to be playing these games man, I’ve told him before “I like you, and I know you like me…and I think we like each other enough to give this one more try”…my honesty seemed in vain, and it’s not something I do often…be honest about my feelings. But with him I was. But with him it never worked. And so this time with him the surrender is going to be somewhat different, it is not giving in to a desire, but giving up on one. Him. I’m giving up on him. I’ve decided this many times before though yet each time something makes me change my time…like the way he calls me “woman!” gets me every time.  But it eventually all comes back to this, an inevitable ending, an inevitable ending without a reason.

It’s ironic though, him being an Architect. In a sense I needed someone to re-design me and build me up from the nothing that was left behind…he doesn’t even know that he’s done this, I wasn’t even aware that he was doing this. When I surrendered to him, that first time, he made me not want it from anyone else because he made me remember what it’s supposed to feel like. How I felt with him. How he behaved when he was with me. And nothing’s been the same since, nothing else has come close. No one else.

He will never know any of this, he will never know the impact he has made on my life. I will never tell him. Honesty doesn’t seem to work with him…and honestly, I don’t think he deserves to know. He doesn’t deserve a lot of my feelings. In hindsight. He never did. As I write this I feel bursts of anger at his cavalier attitude toward me, our situation, has he not being paying attention? Surely he cannot be that clueless? Perhaps he likes the vagueness of wonder & confusion. Perhaps LEAVING things open makes him more open to the idea of LEAVING. Clearly.

I will continue to stare at him though. My heart will continue to skip a few beats, smiling at the memory of what was, of what could have been.

*But I have no more memories wrapped up in him waiting to be unwrapped, our time has come and gone…twice. And there will be no third time’s a charm. There will be simply, nothing.





Women & Love: Reconciling the heart & mind after a heartbreak

Love, Relationships, Uncategorized
As children, we are taught that when something hurts you, to not do it again ~ touch a hot stove, you’ll burn, right? Could that lesson be following us into our adult lives in a very negative manner?
When someone breaks your trust, do you stop trusting?
When someone hurts you, do you stop talking to all human beings?
When love hurts you, do you never fall in love again?
The thing is, love in itself is pure, conflict & pain free, it is a person who hurts you, a person who used the words “I love you” countless times. It is this person who inflicts these horrible connotations that you have toward the word “love”.
Pain. Sadness. Anger. Despair. Jealousy. Possessiveness.
So what happens? At some point your brain takes over in a bid to protect your heart from these connotations and so keeping you away from love too. You don’t know it yet though. Continuing totally oblivious because it does such a good job of “protecting you” that once the healing process has completed and we have rebuilt our lives from the mess they’ve left behind, that we start to function so well without love that the need for it becomes almost non existent. Brain wins. You are safe.
But are you really? At some point, we need to allow our hearts to be free again, to love, and trust, and care. However, this is now such a challenging and slow process because the mind does not want to relinquish control because it’s job to keep you safe has almost all but taken over it’s job portfolio.
We end up doing things to push possibility & people away, we pretend not to care, to not want them around, that they’re invisible…
Some will stay a see through the bullshit. Others will leave. But no matter what their reaction, it is still us who need to realise that we can feel safe and love at the same time. That we can be safe, and be in love at the same time.
And so for me, the biggest lesson after my particularly difficult situation was learning how to reconcile my mind and my heart so that I could stop acting like I didn’t have either.

Relationships & Break Ups: How long can you live without love?

Abuse, Break Ups, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized, Woman, women


It’s been 48 days since I heard his voice. About 60 days since I last saw his face. And an eternity since I last uttered the words “I love you”. It’s been getting easier though, to not think about him, to not miss his touch, his voice, his face. What hasn’t been getting easier though is knowing I may never say those words again. I love you.

What i did say, is goodbye, to him, the last day of 2015 and every day since then has been a battle to stay away from another hello.  He will always be the one, the one who changed me. The one who made me fearful. The one who scared me away from love. However, he will also always be the one that holds my strongest memories, the good in him, the good memories, I pray that one day they will eventually overshadow the dark ones, and the darkness in him.

There have been moments that made and continue to make me think of him. Simple things like food I eat that I know he loves {loved}, places I drive past that we used to go to {that he still goes to}, random things I see. These things remind me of him and the urges to tell him about them, share the memory with him and remember when it was good so hopefully the bad can finally go away overpowers me. But this is typical behaviour of someone left in the after match of a narcissist. The need for contact. The idea that I can be nothing without him. It’s terrible. It’s difficult to break free from.

Coming out of a relationship with a narcissist unscathed is unheard of, and I am no exception. The time it takes to rebuild yourself seems to go on forever. The time it will take them to finally leave you alone {that only happens when they have replaced you} and whether this is solace I cannot say. Knowing he may be doing to another woman what he did to me is unnerving, and it drove me insane when the new one came along, it did. I didn’t know if me warning her was a way to save her or destroy him. Wanting to end their relationship so he could be alone, as alone as I was. She never listened. He never will. But you what does console me? That he no longer does it to me. The phone calls stopped. The messages stopped. Looking for me, has stopped.

It’s been a little over two years that I have been “free”. Doing things to help me rid my heart and head of the memory of him. Things that may, or may not, have been best for me. They worked, as much as they could.  But what was being “free” yet still being trapped?

I’ve recently written about how I’m getting better. How I feel healing is finally taking place and how I am getting to the point where moving on is actually a prospective thing. This happens to co-inside with the meeting of someone, someone who, without reason seems to be the reason, my reason.

I really don’t know what this means for me {or this someone} but I know one thing it doesn’t; fear. I am no longer afraid of love.  Of falling in love. Of being in love. What scares me now is the idea of having to live another two years without  hearing someone tell me “I love you” and without me ever saying “I love you too”.

Single & Winging it: Torn between two lovers



At some point it was bound to happen. The inevitability was too blatant to ignore. Feeling torn, between two lovers…not exactly where I thought I’d find myself.

I’ve always said that if a man has to choose between me and someone else, don’t choose me, and now I find myself needing to do the same. But do I?

Without diminishing any of their capacity as men, because both of them are indeed that, men. Both wonderful, confident, successful, outgoing and caring, fun, funny and very easy to be around. Yet they’re both so different and it’s those differences that will end up being my gauge of who I feel my best with and who I feel I will be able to be the best for.

Don’t get me wrong, this is in no way a competition, in fact I am the forefront of this “race”, because I need to place myself first at some point in my life.

The one does not entice or excite me more than the other.  They both make me happy and I’m happy when I am around them. It’s obvious too. There’s definite chemistry and a definite attraction. So how did this get so complicated?

Me, that’s how. By thinking I could continue my “no-attachment-no-labels-scheduling-you-and-then-just-go-away-without-any-repercussion” attitude

This situation is exactly why I wrote because I thought if I eliminate the titles, I could trick myself into thinking it would be easy. It is easy though, with both of them. So why am I complicating it?

Because even without any attachments to either of them; besides having slept with the one and not the other…this has become difficult, for me. On the plus side, the fact that I care about their feelings shows me personal growth and the willingness to put myself in a relationship with just one person.

Even though the one rather candidly replied “Nah, we’re just winging it, see where it goes” when asked “are you an item now” while the other has told me straight up that “as long as you do not have a boyfriend, I am not going anywhere, but also, I am not ready for a relationship either”

Overthinking it has complicated it, neither one of them has claimed me. “Winging it” is not exactly a reason to desire exclusivity, although I can imagine he might not be seeing anyone else…and if he found out that I am, he may or may not be upset.

But although winging it may not be enough to make stop but neither is choosing someone who has admitted to not being ready for a relationship, when they know for a fact that I am.

So..after hours of pondering, a semi-decision has been made: I will in fact wing it, because I too want to see where it goes. I’ve waited a year dammit {albeit not alone by the phone, but you know what I mean} so I won’t purposefully go out and source more “playmates” and those that I still have around I simply will no longer play with. And I’ll tell them why too.

“There’s someone that I want to do it right with. And he deserves more than me going around, still seeing you”

*That was more than i would ever have said a year ago


Single & Waiting: The one that woke me

Relationships, sex, Uncategorized, Woman, women

wordpress_the one who woke me

The last man I missed was the one who broke my heart; not only my heart but my whole body, mind and soul too. I haven’t had an emotional connection to anyone in a little over two years. Never felt the desire or need or want for anyone in particular. Never bothered me much if days or weeks went by without any contact..until this one. I miss this one, when I’m not around him. He told me again, about the first time he saw me, at {The Bikers} birthday…refer to {The Biker Ep 01, 02 & 03}. He said we never met that night, but we saw each other, and he said I looked at him as if I knew him, and he looked at me knowing he had to know me. I don’t even remember that, but he does.

I met up with him at a function last night; walked in, very late…but alas, better late than ugly. I saw him, he saw me. Then {The Biker} saw me too…it would appear I was missed {too little too late}. I think I took too long with that one and then he just came over & took me. I smiled, I was happy to see him, he shaved though…no beard. I hugged him, kissed him and ordered a water. Something about being in his presence makes me not need or even want alcohol.  But something about being in his presence and not being able to be with him was unbearable, so I left, after 45 minutes.{too many questions, too many eyes, too much history at that place} I said I have another party to go. I lied. There was no way I could have stayed there and stayed away from him. My body wouldn’t allow it. My lips just wanted his. His kisses, I want them. His skin, I want to touch it. His hands, I want to hold it. This man scares me.

He said “Are you still going {to the party}? Don’t take too long. Are you coming back?” I said “Yes, and yes”. But I lied, again. He wouldn’t have let me go. And I couldn’t stay.

Hours later. It was late; he called, I answered, he showed up. It was 3am. I got my kisses. I got to touch him. And hold his hands, when they weren’t spanking me.

*I woke up first this morning, but he’s the one that {woke}…me


Marriage, Adultery & Divorce: Cheated out of Love

Adultery, Cheating, Divorce, Marriage


I remember loving my husband, trusting him, he gave me everything I asked for, everything I wanted…

I still remember every day with him; I remember all the moments we shared. Good and bad. More good though, there were lots of good things. Lots of good times, lots of good memories. The bad things never lasted long, but they were bad-bad things. And at the end they over shadowed a lot of the good.  But I still remember them, the good. All of them.

I remember he never used to raise his voice at me.

He never raised his hand.

He loved me. And I hurt him.

He never cheated on me {when we were married}, at least not as far as I know.

What he did was more hurtful though, acting out in ways that were invisible to me, but not to others. Everyone knew what he was doing and kept it away from me. We never broke up once though, I always forgave him, said “please don’t let it happen again”, “choose me”. And he did, every time, until the next time.

I believed a marriage would help. We were engaged for two years and one morning I said “how does 26 April sound?” And so our date was set and we got married. We already had the house, we had the kid. Not in that order though. Kid, house, wedding. Life. He had reservations. I had reservations. My friends had reservations. They even held an intervention. My father asked the “Are you sure” He said the “We can go home”. I did it anyway. I do that you know, “it anyway”. I tell everyone I was married for four years but the truth is we only celebrated our first wedding anniversary. And it wasn’t him I was thinking about that day.

My friend asked me earlier this week if the opportunity had presented itself would I have gone back to him and I replied “no, because I didn’t love him anymore and it wouldn’t be fair to pretend.”

He loved me though. And I believe if I ask him to come home he will, still. Our house was sold after the divorce. But we always said no matter where we were, we are home when are with each other. We loved each other. It was chaotic. Dramatic. But it was love.

Then there’s the “other one”, the one that I was thinking about the day I should have been celebrating my first anniversary. I had an affair you see, with a man I met when I was 18 years old. Took one look at him and knew he would own me for what would be the rest of my life. I didn’t know it then though. Hindsight, such a wonderful thing.

We had found each other after spending almost 10 years apart. When I looked at his face again after all those years I knew I had never stopped loving him. He had never stopped owning me. When I looked at his face I knew I had to leave my husband. But I didn’t. Instead I started an affair. Going behind his back whenever I could, lying about where I was and who I was with, I did these things because my need for this man was greater than my want for my husband. I was driven by passion. I let my heart lead me. This is why I don’t trust her now, my heart, she led me wrong, and she took me to the wrong destination. She lied to me. I wasn’t in love, I was confused. I was young, I thought love was everything and you should do what it takes to have it. Love drove me to all the wrong places. Love. It’s a beautiful thing, when it is indeed love.

I ended up breaking his heart, my husband. He found out about the affair, said he forgave me and told me to just come home. To please leave that man behind and forget about him. “Come back to me” he pleaded. I said no. I don’t love you. I lied. I did love him. I just couldn’t forgive myself and so I couldn’t understand how he could have been saying he does. So I took my things and left. Left a home we built, a home we worked hard for. A home we made, from nothing. I was young, 23 years old. We worked so hard for what he had. Our home, to raise our family in. We had dreams. More children. Family holidays. Our dreams. I left them for a man who made my heart skip a beat. For a man who I loved, to death. Literally.

I can’t even imagine the nightmares he must have had, my husband. The thoughts he had about me being with that man while I was still his wife. The thoughts he had every night I wasn’t home. I can’t even imagine how I would ever begin to ask his forgiveness. I don’t want him back. But I think the reason I have been so unlucky in love is because I am being punished. Karma, she’s an ugly bitch. I won’t say that I deserved it, because no women deserved to go through what I did, but I get it. My new relationship ended the same way it started, wrong.

This is why, without being a hypocrite I try to advise my friends who I see going down that path, that it is not worth it. And if you still choose to leave to make damn sure you are sure it is. I thought it was worth it, I loved him and he said he loved me. He said it, over and over. But he never proved it. His actions always proved otherwise, those actions are the actions I ignored. I buttered it up by claiming “I am doing this because I love him” But all the butter in the world couldn’t take away the taste of our ending.

Ladies, when you no longer belong to someone, when you are no longer something to be taken, you stop being a challenge and their lust for you and their passion; the passion that you feel is so much more than you get at home, THAT passion, that goes away. And so will he. He will hurt you, and he will leave you and he will find a replacement…and you will be lost, and you will be alone, and you will know that it wasn’t worth it. But it will be too late.

I don’t think life will give me what I need until I make things right with what I had. I need to say I am sorry. It is never too late for that. It is never too late to apologise to someone whom you have hurt.  As much as I need to hear it from my ex, I believe my ex-husband needs to hear it from me too.

Love & Relationships: Searching for love with a broken heart ~ New Guy S01. Ep.06



Being a single woman who’s previous relationship ended in a police station and him in a jail cell, there are a few things that I will not compromise on.

I have often tried to silence my gut, there were so many red flags back then, so many I overlooked because I was completely head over heels in love with him.

Had I just paid them more attention my life would have been different, but instead I chose to ignore them and consequently became the victim to a narcissistic abusive womaniser who took my love and made it ugly. It is because of that that I am now on this journey of finding love again. A love he always said I would never find because I simply didn’t deserve to be loved. A story I ended up starting to believe.

My history had now led to my “make no compromises” rule on things that niggle my insides. And I have found this with New Guy. But are these niggly feelings just me being scared? Scared that this man actually does care, scared that what my ex said is not true and that I will be loved by someone? He may be the one I could fall in love with. But it scares me. And I don’t like being scared. When I’m scared I run. And I don’t like running either.

I have asked before, how will I know. But in order to know I need to know what love is. Do I even know what love is? I am trying though, to piece it all together and create scenarios in my mind which, I believe, will tell me that I’m in love.

I’ve said things like “falling in love is like coming home” and “falling in love is like hearing your favourite song”, but is it all of that? And if not then what is it?! And how can I even expect myself to possibly fall in love with a heart that’s still broken? Does it still work?

Why can’t I just be okay? Why is it taking so long? Why are his words not helping? He used to say all the right things, New Guy; trying to break down my walls. And it worked, a little. I also tried, harder with him that with anyone else, to open up, to get closer and to allow him to get closer. But it proved futile each time because again I would hear “you are so distant” and then I knew that my trying wasn’t helping.

He’d say “baby steps” and “I’m patient”. Today, after I said it’s best we call things off; he says “I’m in love with you, why would I give up…I’m not a quitter”. My heart sank. I said no, don’t be silly. I cried, because I know he meant it, sincerely and I don’t want to hurt him. But I cannot say it back. The idea of those words leaving my body, makes me nauseous. I can’t even think about it. I was gentle, in telling him this, I tried to not hurt him. He says he won’t give up this easily. And he says I shouldn’t either. But that’s my thing. I am a giver upper.

I want my next “I love you” to be honest and meaningful and I need it to come from a place of wholeness, not a broken place where all I can offer is bits of love. The man who hears my “I love you” deserves more than that, deserves my best, not my worst that was shoved back in my face by a man that hated me. The man that hears my “I love you” will have to wipe away my tears because I will cry, because for once the ice around my heart will have melted and it will have no other place to go but out of my eyes. tears, that’s what they call it. And if that man is New Guy, then so be it. And if he is not, then so be it too.

*I wanted to caption this “New Guy, The end”…but something tells me it isn’t.