Dating & Relationships: Words Worth Writing

Break Ups, Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

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Each time I write, the words splash pieces of myself into a place where anyone can touch them. And when I realized I wasn’t driven to pen & paper each time we were together, my heart knew it wasn’t worth it.

I think about everyone I have ever written about, the emotions tied to every word. The memory linked to each sentence. The feeling each paragraph reminds me of. I’ve been a bucket of emotions for as long as I can remember {…pity no one else knows this about me}.

Sometimes I go back to reread my very own history when I feel the memories slipping away. Sometimes I cry, other times I smile. But no matter what the emotional response, at least there are ones. With him, there was nothing, nothing worth writing about, nothing I wanted to remember, nothing worth remembering to be honest. Except that I now know that the words I love you mean nothing if not backed up by action. That three words can get cold real fast.

Why did I even let it go on this long, four and half month of being his girlfriend when I never missed him when we were apart. Never longed for his smell and touch and the sound of his laughter…never had the sense of anticipation for our next time together erupt out of me and land on my face as blushed cheeks and permanent smiles. Never did the urge to want to be next to him, to touch him, to hold his hand ever envelope me the same way I wanted his body to.

I knew this from the beginning though, that I felt nothing for him. I never did. Not in all the years we knew each other, he was never on my radar; what he turned out to be was a rebound. I never wanted to admit it, but that’s all he was. I literally needed to drink every time we were together, being sober around him was excruciating. I knew the longer it continued the more i would lose pieces of myself, and not in my words, on these pieces of digital paper…but I’d lose myself completely trying.

Be with someone worth writing about. Be with someone who makes you smile. Be with someone who’s actions don’t require the constant and sometime premature “I love you’s”…but most importantly, just be with someone you can be yourself with, your best self, the person you want to be because of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Women & Love: Making love amidst the hate

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I never knew what it was like to hate another until the day I started hating him.

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It’s an over powering emotion, hatred. Rids you of everything good…I used to be kind, gentle and caring. I used to be soft and loving. I am not her anymore.I knew if I continued to harbor those negative emotions that hatred would eventually consume me, lead me into situations and exhibiting behaviors that I had never thought could be possible, that could ever be me. I lived on that roller-coaster for a little over 18 months simply trying to feel something, anything…anything other than hate and something other than sadness. So, with that being said, it has taken a while for this choice to finally be made; I’ve said it before, even believed it…but now ready to make peace with it.

I’ve made peace with no longer being in love with him, although I still love him.

I’ve made peace with not hating him…although I still fear him.

I made peace with the fact that I will eventually  “nothing him”. That I will be immune to his name, his memory. That the fear of him knowing will eventually nullify itself as I move into a better space.

Being semi-neutral toward a man that I used to have such intense and powerful emotions for, I am able to find some glimmer of hope that I can indeed move on, again. I believed this many times before, but each time to a realization that maybe no, maybe I was indeed not ready.

Being semi-neutral gives me a glimmer of hope that I can develop feelings for someone else, healthy feelings…but those glimmers of hope are short lived when my other temperaments flare up again. Jealousy, possessiveness, expectations, my short & explosive temper…you see, I’m not very nice anymore, nor am I better. I never will be better, but I can be nice again. This is my battle, the one I fight every day.

I thought I could fall in love again, I did. I thought so. I still do. I think. I even tried making love while consumed by all this hate. Making love is not exactly what I would call what I was doing, but I tried. I really did. I still do. Most days trying is all I can do.

You see, I’ve always been the one giving too many chances, overlooking red flags, but sometimes I need peace, I need the white flag for once…and some times, most of all, all I need is simply a chance too.

*And so here I am again. Indifferent. And in love. I think.

Love & Relationships: He was my one, WAS.

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I think about him far too often for it to be healthy. I think about how much I loved him, what I did to be with him, what I gave up, what I lost, but also what I gained. It might seem like nothing to many people, but I gained the knowledge of what I never want again. Of what I never want to feel again, of what I never want to hear again. I gained the knowledge that love does in fact not hurt, it heals. And when it hurts, it is not love.

Our story is an amazing one, I think we were just too young when we met the first time and the second time {10 years later} was not the right time. We made ourselves believe it was though, but having something that started out wrong was bound to end wrong. And boy did it ever.

We fell into a love that you simply do not ever fully recover from. A chemistry so strong that it could be good, so good…and bad, so bad. A chemistry that many described as dangerous. And again, boy was it ever! We are over now, have been for a number of years, but in our souls we will always be each other’s other. The one that taught us more that we would like to admit, the one that hurt the other more than we could ever explain and the ones that loved each so much that it literally nearly killed them.

He is my forever, the one that will that will continue to live in a small place in the corner of my heart, mind and soul. His name tattooed on my body marking every place he ever touched. Every place his eyes ever landed. The one that will always be both my best and worst memory. He is my one. Well, was my one. That’s the only difference now. That’s the only thing that has changed.

I believe I will never love another man with the same intensity and passion with which I loved him, and that’s okay. We had a great love, when it was good it was amazing. But the bad out numbered the good nine times out of ten. He was it, until he was no more. Until he changed. Until the man I loved lived no more.

I don’t want to replace that love. I’ve used men over the last few months to replace his memory, it won’t ever work…I tried hard, I really did. It’s not fair to them and it is indeed not fair to me to continue to try and do that. It is with this epiphany that I am now able to move forward into the hope that I will in fact be okay, that I will fall in love again and that I will be loved in return. Although he will always be a part of me as I will be a part of him, trying to write his story out of me will never work. Trying has exhausted me. Even my tired is tired.

*I’m just tired. But wait…I still have a date tonight {fok}

Women & Love: Reconciling the heart & mind after a heartbreak

Love, Relationships, Uncategorized
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As children, we are taught that when something hurts you, to not do it again ~ touch a hot stove, you’ll burn, right? Could that lesson be following us into our adult lives in a very negative manner?
When someone breaks your trust, do you stop trusting?
When someone hurts you, do you stop talking to all human beings?
When love hurts you, do you never fall in love again?
The thing is, love in itself is pure, conflict & pain free, it is a person who hurts you, a person who used the words “I love you” countless times. It is this person who inflicts these horrible connotations that you have toward the word “love”.
Pain. Sadness. Anger. Despair. Jealousy. Possessiveness.
So what happens? At some point your brain takes over in a bid to protect your heart from these connotations and so keeping you away from love too. You don’t know it yet though. Continuing totally oblivious because it does such a good job of “protecting you” that once the healing process has completed and we have rebuilt our lives from the mess they’ve left behind, that we start to function so well without love that the need for it becomes almost non existent. Brain wins. You are safe.
But are you really? At some point, we need to allow our hearts to be free again, to love, and trust, and care. However, this is now such a challenging and slow process because the mind does not want to relinquish control because it’s job to keep you safe has almost all but taken over it’s job portfolio.
We end up doing things to push possibility & people away, we pretend not to care, to not want them around, that they’re invisible…
Some will stay a see through the bullshit. Others will leave. But no matter what their reaction, it is still us who need to realise that we can feel safe and love at the same time. That we can be safe, and be in love at the same time.
And so for me, the biggest lesson after my particularly difficult situation was learning how to reconcile my mind and my heart so that I could stop acting like I didn’t have either.

Women & Heartache: The devil you know

Cheating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

His memory comes and goes like the changing tides. Not nearly as predictable although sometimes I wish they were, so I can see it coming instead of it hitting me in the middle of a random Saturday morning like a ton of bricks. I hate the emotions attached to his memory the most; they are so schizophrenic it exhausts me. There’s the love, the love that completely overwhelmed me for years…a love I know I will never have again for another man. The hate, the utter and absolute hatred I felt for him for such a long time for allowing me to suffer at his hand, for treating me the way he did, for lying, cheating and taking things from me as a woman that never belonged to him. For moving on so quickly while I continued to suffer, every single day, even now.

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Often weeks go by without a single thought of mine being infected by his memory. Those are the good days. I loved that man. Goodness gracious, did I love him. Even the words “I loved him” is a slap in the face {pardon that pun if you know why it’s a pun, then you’ll know why that’s funny} to the love I felt.

I have had some devilish ideas lately where I thought it’s a good idea to talk to him, but all I really wanted to do is look at his face, touch his skin, smell him…hear his voice. I still miss him. I hate that I still do, because he doesn’t. These thoughts are not good for me and so the distractions start. I thought I was done with the distractions because mostly they lead me down a path I stopped walking a while ago.

It’s been better since I stopped that, it’s been a good year so far, albeit we’re only in the 4th month; my birthday month. This is why it’s happening!!! The last birthday we celebrated together was my 31st birthday, two years ago. It was already over at that point, I thought him making the effort he did was a way of him trying, one last time. It wasn’t. The next day I had my family over for dinner, he “went to a work function”. Never came home, showed up the next day drunk and high attacking me…until I left.

I ended it one week later {because you know the apologies, begging and pleading lasts about 4 days}.

I gave him an hour to pack while my daughter sat in the lounge. He left with only three bags, but he also left with my heart, my sanity, with everything I needed to move past him. And so my suffering continued, while he did not. While he had someone else’s hand to hold, I was left, with nothing but fucking tears and sadness, and a broken mother fucking heart {notice the anger seeping through…it is only this anger that keep me from breaking my #nocontact rule}.

I cry often at the thought of him, of us, of what I did, what he did. What we never said, what we did say, the words…the hurtful words that changed me. Words that today, when I hear them, sets off what can only be described as a bomb because my reaction to it hurts more people than it heals. My body seeks out these words, my body wants to feel something: if it’s incapable of feeling love, it will continue to feel hate: if I can’t fall in love, I will continue to envelope myself in anger. This is not good. This is what I have tried to stop. I am getting better. But the progress is slow.

So now my biggest fear is knowing that one day I will be better, that I will be able to move on, fall in love again and then; that day, I will no longer remember what it was like to love him.

Relationships & Break Ups: How long can you live without love?

Abuse, Break Ups, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized, Woman, women

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It’s been 48 days since I heard his voice. About 60 days since I last saw his face. And an eternity since I last uttered the words “I love you”. It’s been getting easier though, to not think about him, to not miss his touch, his voice, his face. What hasn’t been getting easier though is knowing I may never say those words again. I love you.

What i did say, is goodbye, to him, the last day of 2015 and every day since then has been a battle to stay away from another hello.  He will always be the one, the one who changed me. The one who made me fearful. The one who scared me away from love. However, he will also always be the one that holds my strongest memories, the good in him, the good memories, I pray that one day they will eventually overshadow the dark ones, and the darkness in him.

There have been moments that made and continue to make me think of him. Simple things like food I eat that I know he loves {loved}, places I drive past that we used to go to {that he still goes to}, random things I see. These things remind me of him and the urges to tell him about them, share the memory with him and remember when it was good so hopefully the bad can finally go away overpowers me. But this is typical behaviour of someone left in the after match of a narcissist. The need for contact. The idea that I can be nothing without him. It’s terrible. It’s difficult to break free from.

Coming out of a relationship with a narcissist unscathed is unheard of, and I am no exception. The time it takes to rebuild yourself seems to go on forever. The time it will take them to finally leave you alone {that only happens when they have replaced you} and whether this is solace I cannot say. Knowing he may be doing to another woman what he did to me is unnerving, and it drove me insane when the new one came along, it did. I didn’t know if me warning her was a way to save her or destroy him. Wanting to end their relationship so he could be alone, as alone as I was. She never listened. He never will. But you what does console me? That he no longer does it to me. The phone calls stopped. The messages stopped. Looking for me, has stopped.

It’s been a little over two years that I have been “free”. Doing things to help me rid my heart and head of the memory of him. Things that may, or may not, have been best for me. They worked, as much as they could.  But what was being “free” yet still being trapped?

I’ve recently written about how I’m getting better. How I feel healing is finally taking place and how I am getting to the point where moving on is actually a prospective thing. This happens to co-inside with the meeting of someone, someone who, without reason seems to be the reason, my reason.

I really don’t know what this means for me {or this someone} but I know one thing it doesn’t; fear. I am no longer afraid of love.  Of falling in love. Of being in love. What scares me now is the idea of having to live another two years without  hearing someone tell me “I love you” and without me ever saying “I love you too”.

Single & Winging it: Torn between two lovers

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At some point it was bound to happen. The inevitability was too blatant to ignore. Feeling torn, between two lovers…not exactly where I thought I’d find myself.

I’ve always said that if a man has to choose between me and someone else, don’t choose me, and now I find myself needing to do the same. But do I?

Without diminishing any of their capacity as men, because both of them are indeed that, men. Both wonderful, confident, successful, outgoing and caring, fun, funny and very easy to be around. Yet they’re both so different and it’s those differences that will end up being my gauge of who I feel my best with and who I feel I will be able to be the best for.

Don’t get me wrong, this is in no way a competition, in fact I am the forefront of this “race”, because I need to place myself first at some point in my life.

The one does not entice or excite me more than the other.  They both make me happy and I’m happy when I am around them. It’s obvious too. There’s definite chemistry and a definite attraction. So how did this get so complicated?

Me, that’s how. By thinking I could continue my “no-attachment-no-labels-scheduling-you-and-then-just-go-away-without-any-repercussion” attitude

This situation is exactly why I wrote https://tjunxn.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/single-waiting-but-if-you-like-each-other-why-arent-you-dating because I thought if I eliminate the titles, I could trick myself into thinking it would be easy. It is easy though, with both of them. So why am I complicating it?

Because even without any attachments to either of them; besides having slept with the one and not the other…this has become difficult, for me. On the plus side, the fact that I care about their feelings shows me personal growth and the willingness to put myself in a relationship with just one person.

Even though the one rather candidly replied “Nah, we’re just winging it, see where it goes” when asked “are you an item now” while the other has told me straight up that “as long as you do not have a boyfriend, I am not going anywhere, but also, I am not ready for a relationship either”

Overthinking it has complicated it, neither one of them has claimed me. “Winging it” is not exactly a reason to desire exclusivity, although I can imagine he might not be seeing anyone else…and if he found out that I am, he may or may not be upset.

But although winging it may not be enough to make stop but neither is choosing someone who has admitted to not being ready for a relationship, when they know for a fact that I am.

So..after hours of pondering, a semi-decision has been made: I will in fact wing it, because I too want to see where it goes. I’ve waited a year dammit {albeit not alone by the phone, but you know what I mean} so I won’t purposefully go out and source more “playmates” and those that I still have around I simply will no longer play with. And I’ll tell them why too.

“There’s someone that I want to do it right with. And he deserves more than me going around, still seeing you”

*That was more than i would ever have said a year ago