Women & Dating: Love is Blind…

Dating, Love, Uncategorized, Woman, women

Someone once told me that I am a walking, breathing example of the phrase Love is blind.You have such amazing intuition, you give really good advice and you can read people better than anyone I know

What’s your point?” I asked. “Then why when you fall in love does all of this go to shit?!”

I gave that some thought and realised that he was 100% right. It’s not love that’s blind, it’s quite simply that love blinds me.

It makes me tolerable of things I would otherwise deem unacceptable. It makes me stay around for a lot longer than I normally would and it definitely makes me fight FOR things I would usually fight ABOUT.

So it’s not surprising that I found myself in this exact situation not too long ago, where I thought I might have fallen in love, the fact was I didn’t, but I could have.

I somehow always knew from the beginning that this was a circus and he was the ring leader;  waving around so many red flags I had to be blind NOT to see it.

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In hindsight, I’m glad I blocked myself off to those red flags because it allowed me to just go with the flow and experience it for what it was…a lesson…another blady lesson. And quite frankly, if this was indeed a circus, I was only here for the kissing booth anyway….

But wait, I digress…he allowed me to be vulnerable, even though I resisted. It was something I haven’t allowed myself to be in a very long time. I needed him, it, all of it, and I needed to be blind to see that.

So when it ended and I finally snapped out of the love spell I was under, I realised that he had a pattern and it will always be the same with him and whoever he chooses next and because of this; he will most likely never be happy, at least not in the way he expects to.

This made it a lot easier to stay away from him when things ended. It made it easier letting go of the illusion. I cried though, a little {okay that’s a lie, a lot} and I’d be lying if I said it was easy knowing he was with someone new {so soon after me}; speaking to her the way he spoke to me, looking at her the way he looked at me. But it helped and for almost 8 weeks I never saw him, spoke to him, texted him…until a few days ago.

My eyes really do enjoying looking at him. But this time I’m seeing everything. Like how he seems all over the place yet nowhere in particular. How he imagines situations that he believes will make him happy, when all along he was all he ever needed.

How he doesn’t see this is beyond me.  How he doesn’t realise how amazing he is…so amazing that he actually doesn’t need anyone’s validation.

He told his sister “She doesn’t even need me. I don’t feel that she needs me, I feel like I’m not good enough for her. She really doesn’t need anyone”.

If only he knew that everything he was was exactly what I needed. And how I would love to tell him every single thing he meant to me since the moment we met, how what I needed wasn’t what he was used to; girls needing things like parties, weekends away, lifts, gifts.

If I was the epitome of “love is blind” then he was the epitome of  “when you’re hurting, you should be healing not dating” and a host of other clichès as well.  But he’s never healed, and so he’s never learnt.

I love knowing that he was all I needed, not his things, not what he had…just him. In my blindness I was fine with being “just another one” to him, because in this story he wasn’t “just another one” to me…I needed him, and he’ll never know it, because I will never tell him.

He’s changed me. In fact he said this “look at what I did to you…” to which I replied “what? made me soft?” …he smiled and gave me that look that would usually result in our clothes being ripped off. But alas. {we’re friends now, and friends don’t do that…apparently}

But he has, he’s made it okay for me to be softer, kinder and more affectionate. I’m still the alpha though, let’s not get that twisted. But I am more open about my feelings, wants and my needs. His touch made me want to be touched. And the way he spoke to me; he’s made me realize that if no one ever speaks to me that way again I will miss it, because I loved it. But mostly I love how he’s changed the way I think about men and how I need to treat them too.

Honesty was always what we found most refreshing about the other, so when that honesty was used to end things, it made it okay…besides, I could never be angry with this man, never.

So I would love nothing more than to tell him these things you know, and I will. But the words never seem to make their way out my mouth. And even though I never say it, I know he sees it on my face. He says “your emotions sit right there you know, I can see it” and even when I lie and try to dismiss things and emotions he says “You are such a bad liar!”

***I couldn’t hide it even if I tried ***

My blinkers might be off, but knowing that I love him without being in love with him {this is still debatable though} shifts me into a whole new place in his life and him in mine. A place we both seem to enjoy. A place where I really hope we can stay.

We will never be together romantically again, I have no intention of going blind again, and being in his life as his friend seems to be the reason we found each other. Because I think he might also be blind…and perhaps my role is remove his blinkers so that he can see how amazing he is and that if he just stops chasing the idea of love, it will eventually make its way to him…the way I did.

 

 

 

 

 

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Love & Relationships: You’ll be amazed what you find when you’re not looking ♥

Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized, Woman, women

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He found me, after our world’s have lived in parallel for what seems like forever. The universe finally thought it was the right time.

Now he looks at me like I’m the only person in the room. He does this all the time. He’s done this since the first day we saw each other. I find myself doing the same.

He speaks to me as though he’s been waiting his entire life to tell me his stories. He’s done this since the first moment he introduced himself to me. I find myself doing the same.

He holds my hand in a way that feels like should he ever let go I would fall, and should i ever let go so would he.

He kisses me as if it’s my air that fuels his lungs, in a way that should my lips never meet his again he’d suffocate and die.

He listens to me so attentively it’s as though his favourite song rolls right off  my tongue. Memorizing every word.

And his voice; I would do anything to hear it, every single day.

I must have done something right in my life to be given everything I have ever asked for; wrapped up in one beautiful human being who wants nothing more from me but to love him.

So if I ever thought I was in love before {and boy did I ever think that} I couldn’t have been more was wrong, because nothing, in my entire life, ever felt like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Women & Love: Making love amidst the hate

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I never knew what it was like to hate another until the day I started hating him.

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It’s an over powering emotion, hatred. Rids you of everything good…I used to be kind, gentle and caring. I used to be soft and loving. I am not her anymore.I knew if I continued to harbor those negative emotions that hatred would eventually consume me, lead me into situations and exhibiting behaviors that I had never thought could be possible, that could ever be me. I lived on that roller-coaster for a little over 18 months simply trying to feel something, anything…anything other than hate and something other than sadness. So, with that being said, it has taken a while for this choice to finally be made; I’ve said it before, even believed it…but now ready to make peace with it.

I’ve made peace with no longer being in love with him, although I still love him.

I’ve made peace with not hating him…although I still fear him.

I made peace with the fact that I will eventually  “nothing him”. That I will be immune to his name, his memory. That the fear of him knowing will eventually nullify itself as I move into a better space.

Being semi-neutral toward a man that I used to have such intense and powerful emotions for, I am able to find some glimmer of hope that I can indeed move on, again. I believed this many times before, but each time to a realization that maybe no, maybe I was indeed not ready.

Being semi-neutral gives me a glimmer of hope that I can develop feelings for someone else, healthy feelings…but those glimmers of hope are short lived when my other temperaments flare up again. Jealousy, possessiveness, expectations, my short & explosive temper…you see, I’m not very nice anymore, nor am I better. I never will be better, but I can be nice again. This is my battle, the one I fight every day.

I thought I could fall in love again, I did. I thought so. I still do. I think. I even tried making love while consumed by all this hate. Making love is not exactly what I would call what I was doing, but I tried. I really did. I still do. Most days trying is all I can do.

You see, I’ve always been the one giving too many chances, overlooking red flags, but sometimes I need peace, I need the white flag for once…and some times, most of all, all I need is simply a chance too.

*And so here I am again. Indifferent. And in love. I think.

Love & Relationships: He was my one, WAS.

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I think about him far too often for it to be healthy. I think about how much I loved him, what I did to be with him, what I gave up, what I lost, but also what I gained. It might seem like nothing to many people, but I gained the knowledge of what I never want again. Of what I never want to feel again, of what I never want to hear again. I gained the knowledge that love does in fact not hurt, it heals. And when it hurts, it is not love.

Our story is an amazing one, I think we were just too young when we met the first time and the second time {10 years later} was not the right time. We made ourselves believe it was though, but having something that started out wrong was bound to end wrong. And boy did it ever.

We fell into a love that you simply do not ever fully recover from. A chemistry so strong that it could be good, so good…and bad, so bad. A chemistry that many described as dangerous. And again, boy was it ever! We are over now, have been for a number of years, but in our souls we will always be each other’s other. The one that taught us more that we would like to admit, the one that hurt the other more than we could ever explain and the ones that loved each so much that it literally nearly killed them.

He is my forever, the one that will that will continue to live in a small place in the corner of my heart, mind and soul. His name tattooed on my body marking every place he ever touched. Every place his eyes ever landed. The one that will always be both my best and worst memory. He is my one. Well, was my one. That’s the only difference now. That’s the only thing that has changed.

I believe I will never love another man with the same intensity and passion with which I loved him, and that’s okay. We had a great love, when it was good it was amazing. But the bad out numbered the good nine times out of ten. He was it, until he was no more. Until he changed. Until the man I loved lived no more.

I don’t want to replace that love. I’ve used men over the last few months to replace his memory, it won’t ever work…I tried hard, I really did. It’s not fair to them and it is indeed not fair to me to continue to try and do that. It is with this epiphany that I am now able to move forward into the hope that I will in fact be okay, that I will fall in love again and that I will be loved in return. Although he will always be a part of me as I will be a part of him, trying to write his story out of me will never work. Trying has exhausted me. Even my tired is tired.

*I’m just tired. But wait…I still have a date tonight {fok}

Women & Love: Reconciling the heart & mind after a heartbreak

Love, Relationships, Uncategorized
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As children, we are taught that when something hurts you, to not do it again ~ touch a hot stove, you’ll burn, right? Could that lesson be following us into our adult lives in a very negative manner?
When someone breaks your trust, do you stop trusting?
When someone hurts you, do you stop talking to all human beings?
When love hurts you, do you never fall in love again?
The thing is, love in itself is pure, conflict & pain free, it is a person who hurts you, a person who used the words “I love you” countless times. It is this person who inflicts these horrible connotations that you have toward the word “love”.
Pain. Sadness. Anger. Despair. Jealousy. Possessiveness.
So what happens? At some point your brain takes over in a bid to protect your heart from these connotations and so keeping you away from love too. You don’t know it yet though. Continuing totally oblivious because it does such a good job of “protecting you” that once the healing process has completed and we have rebuilt our lives from the mess they’ve left behind, that we start to function so well without love that the need for it becomes almost non existent. Brain wins. You are safe.
But are you really? At some point, we need to allow our hearts to be free again, to love, and trust, and care. However, this is now such a challenging and slow process because the mind does not want to relinquish control because it’s job to keep you safe has almost all but taken over it’s job portfolio.
We end up doing things to push possibility & people away, we pretend not to care, to not want them around, that they’re invisible…
Some will stay a see through the bullshit. Others will leave. But no matter what their reaction, it is still us who need to realise that we can feel safe and love at the same time. That we can be safe, and be in love at the same time.
And so for me, the biggest lesson after my particularly difficult situation was learning how to reconcile my mind and my heart so that I could stop acting like I didn’t have either.

Women & Heartache: The devil you know

Cheating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized

His memory comes and goes like the changing tides. Not nearly as predictable although sometimes I wish they were, so I can see it coming instead of it hitting me in the middle of a random Saturday morning like a ton of bricks. I hate the emotions attached to his memory the most; they are so schizophrenic it exhausts me. There’s the love, the love that completely overwhelmed me for years…a love I know I will never have again for another man. The hate, the utter and absolute hatred I felt for him for such a long time for allowing me to suffer at his hand, for treating me the way he did, for lying, cheating and taking things from me as a woman that never belonged to him. For moving on so quickly while I continued to suffer, every single day, even now.

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Often weeks go by without a single thought of mine being infected by his memory. Those are the good days. I loved that man. Goodness gracious, did I love him. Even the words “I loved him” is a slap in the face {pardon that pun if you know why it’s a pun, then you’ll know why that’s funny} to the love I felt.

I have had some devilish ideas lately where I thought it’s a good idea to talk to him, but all I really wanted to do is look at his face, touch his skin, smell him…hear his voice. I still miss him. I hate that I still do, because he doesn’t. These thoughts are not good for me and so the distractions start. I thought I was done with the distractions because mostly they lead me down a path I stopped walking a while ago.

It’s been better since I stopped that, it’s been a good year so far, albeit we’re only in the 4th month; my birthday month. This is why it’s happening!!! The last birthday we celebrated together was my 31st birthday, two years ago. It was already over at that point, I thought him making the effort he did was a way of him trying, one last time. It wasn’t. The next day I had my family over for dinner, he “went to a work function”. Never came home, showed up the next day drunk and high attacking me…until I left.

I ended it one week later {because you know the apologies, begging and pleading lasts about 4 days}.

I gave him an hour to pack while my daughter sat in the lounge. He left with only three bags, but he also left with my heart, my sanity, with everything I needed to move past him. And so my suffering continued, while he did not. While he had someone else’s hand to hold, I was left, with nothing but fucking tears and sadness, and a broken mother fucking heart {notice the anger seeping through…it is only this anger that keep me from breaking my #nocontact rule}.

I cry often at the thought of him, of us, of what I did, what he did. What we never said, what we did say, the words…the hurtful words that changed me. Words that today, when I hear them, sets off what can only be described as a bomb because my reaction to it hurts more people than it heals. My body seeks out these words, my body wants to feel something: if it’s incapable of feeling love, it will continue to feel hate: if I can’t fall in love, I will continue to envelope myself in anger. This is not good. This is what I have tried to stop. I am getting better. But the progress is slow.

So now my biggest fear is knowing that one day I will be better, that I will be able to move on, fall in love again and then; that day, I will no longer remember what it was like to love him.

Relationships & Break Ups: How long can you live without love?

Abuse, Break Ups, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized, Woman, women

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It’s been 48 days since I heard his voice. About 60 days since I last saw his face. And an eternity since I last uttered the words “I love you”. It’s been getting easier though, to not think about him, to not miss his touch, his voice, his face. What hasn’t been getting easier though is knowing I may never say those words again. I love you.

What i did say, is goodbye, to him, the last day of 2015 and every day since then has been a battle to stay away from another hello.  He will always be the one, the one who changed me. The one who made me fearful. The one who scared me away from love. However, he will also always be the one that holds my strongest memories, the good in him, the good memories, I pray that one day they will eventually overshadow the dark ones, and the darkness in him.

There have been moments that made and continue to make me think of him. Simple things like food I eat that I know he loves {loved}, places I drive past that we used to go to {that he still goes to}, random things I see. These things remind me of him and the urges to tell him about them, share the memory with him and remember when it was good so hopefully the bad can finally go away overpowers me. But this is typical behaviour of someone left in the after match of a narcissist. The need for contact. The idea that I can be nothing without him. It’s terrible. It’s difficult to break free from.

Coming out of a relationship with a narcissist unscathed is unheard of, and I am no exception. The time it takes to rebuild yourself seems to go on forever. The time it will take them to finally leave you alone {that only happens when they have replaced you} and whether this is solace I cannot say. Knowing he may be doing to another woman what he did to me is unnerving, and it drove me insane when the new one came along, it did. I didn’t know if me warning her was a way to save her or destroy him. Wanting to end their relationship so he could be alone, as alone as I was. She never listened. He never will. But you what does console me? That he no longer does it to me. The phone calls stopped. The messages stopped. Looking for me, has stopped.

It’s been a little over two years that I have been “free”. Doing things to help me rid my heart and head of the memory of him. Things that may, or may not, have been best for me. They worked, as much as they could.  But what was being “free” yet still being trapped?

I’ve recently written about how I’m getting better. How I feel healing is finally taking place and how I am getting to the point where moving on is actually a prospective thing. This happens to co-inside with the meeting of someone, someone who, without reason seems to be the reason, my reason.

I really don’t know what this means for me {or this someone} but I know one thing it doesn’t; fear. I am no longer afraid of love.  Of falling in love. Of being in love. What scares me now is the idea of having to live another two years without  hearing someone tell me “I love you” and without me ever saying “I love you too”.